


Try For Me

by violingal2



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Angst, Angstangstangst, Crying, Cutting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, ITS GORGEOUS, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, This is not a happy thing, Tony Angst, Tony Feels, Tony Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, this is in no way fun until the ending
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-12
Updated: 2013-01-11
Packaged: 2017-11-25 04:16:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 32,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/635021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violingal2/pseuds/violingal2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony and Steve have a fight over Howard (of course...) and Tony turns to the blade. What happens when Steve catches him? Tony angst and everyone around Tony (who he's too blind to see love him and don't want him hurting) trying to help him. It does get happy in the end, but if you're looking for straight up fluff, don't read this. PLEASE HEED THE WARNINGS very triggering for self-harm and suicidal thoughts and such.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My big re-post from ff.net. I have not edited these since they were first posted, sorry :/ Hope you like, this piece really helped me. Talking about my experiences through Tony was extremely therapeutic (until I started triggering even myself so I had to stop, but I'm back at it again). I hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> From THE BEST RP EVER with captainsassmerica (tumblr). She was Steve and I was Tony (what else is new...). Dyslexia ideas later on came from this fic (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8242644/1/Dyslexic) And the stuff I wrote about dyselxia ARE NOT WHAT I BELIEVE just the way I imagind Tony would react.

"FUCK YOU STEVE. MY DAD THREATENED TO KILL ME-TO KILL MY MOTHER. STOP TRYING TO PROTECT HIM." Tony could not remember a time he had been this furious. And hurt. Nope, not hurt-he was just furious. Or at least that’s what he told himself. 

"HE MUST HAVE HAD A REASON TO SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT. HE WOULDN'T HAVE ACTUALLY DONE IT. HE WAS A GOOD MAN." Steve Rogers had known Howard Stark, and he would never do that to his family-no matter what. 

Tony couldn't believe his ears. Justifying the threat to kill one’s seven year old son. "You son of a bitch." Tony said, eerily quiet. He then stalked away, heading down to the lab. Anywhere that was away from this monster. He knew it was stupid, it was a bad idea. But cutting was the only way he could clear his head. He walked straight towards the drawer where he kept the razor and pulled out his old friend.

Steve sighed heavily. He regretted the words as soon as they fell from his lips, but it was impossible for him to understand how such a good-hearted, decent man could be as bad as Tony made him out to be. He pushed a hand through his hair and let his eyes fall shut for a moment, knowing that he couldn't leave things like this with Tony. He shook his head and went after him, knowing that he'd escaped his way to the lab.

Tony grabbed the blade and sat down on the floor next to his desk, too tired to move. he pulled up his sleeve and looked at his scars, the jagged lines of pain. He put the blade to his skin, tearing his flesh. He reveled in the way his head spun as the blood seeped out. He could feel the anxiety receding, all his emotions gone. Only the pain, and nothing else.

Knocking at the door, Steve sighed a final time before speaking up through the glass. "Tony, I'm sorry. I had no right to say that to you when I know nothing about what happened. Would you let me in so I can actually give you a proper apology?"

Tony froze. He was hidden behind the desk, but if he moved, Steve would see him. He sat there paralyzed as he heard the door open, holding the razor tight in his right hand, and trying to stay as quiet as possible. Maybe Steve would leave if he didn’t think Tony was here.

Steve stepped in, knowing that he was taking an even bigger risk by allowing himself through the door without permission. If this whole apology thing didn't work in his favor, he knew that he and Tony would have rocky standing. "Tony, I know you're around here somewhere. This is the only place you'd go to. I understand if you want to blow me off, but at least give me a chance." He looked around before stepping farther into the room.

Tony panicked, and subconsciously gripped the razor tightly into his palm, slicing his hand accidentally. "Shit" he swore loudly, instantly realizing his mistake and clamping his mouth shut, but it was too late.

Tony's voice caused Steve to turn. He followed it to the desk, but he certainly didn't expect to find what he did. Steve's face fell from apologetic to concerned as he quickly closed the distance between them and knelt next to Tony. "Good golly, Tony," he breathed, glancing at his hand.

"Fuck-Steve. Get. Out. NOW." Tony tried to hide his other arm, the one covered in cuts. He still hadn't pulled his sleeve down, but Steve caught him, gasping as he saw the scars. Steve's expression softened as he looked at the arm. He got up, but only to return with a first aid kit. He sat on the floor across from Tony and pulled out some cotton to clear off the blood.

"I thought I told you to leave" Tony barked out through a set jaw, jerking his arm back protectively and pulling down the sleeve.

Steve looked at Tony with sad eyes, "It's none of my business, I know. But I'm not going to leave you here bleeding. That's irresponsible and, quite frankly, incredibly rude and inconsiderate. I know I'm the last person you want to see right now, and you made that very clear, but I can't leave you like this. So please." Steve stared at him, not entirely sure of his emotions. He never would have known about any of this, had he not barged in, and he was glad that he had. At the same time, he felt incredibly guilty.

"I can deal with it myself. Just go away. I'm fine" Tony whispered, not very convincing with the waver in his voice.

"No," Steve stated plainly. "Tony, please. You don't need to deal with things like this."

"LEAVE ME ALONE. YOU'VE ALREADY DONE ENOUGH TONIGHT." Tony shouted, a few tears falling as he screeched. 

Steve sighed, drawing back a bit. He deserved that. "I know. And I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I truly am, Tony. I know you won't hear any of it anyway, but I am so sorry. I have no right to talk about things I don't understand. I can't imagine what you went through, or what you're going through. No one could possibly know that but you. But this is about more than that, isn't it? You don't have to tell me. It's not my business. But you'll have to forgive me one more time, because I cannot leave you like this. I'm sorry, Tony."

Tony looked down, he was too exhausted to fight anymore. He gave in to Steve, giving the man his injured arm so he could bandage it. His arms were so marred, he couldn't even wear short sleeves anymore. He hated letting Steve see him like this. He didn't let anybody see him like this.

Steve took to bandaging Tony’s arm cautiously, not wanting to hurt him. He was more than concerned, at this point, and far more than a little bit curious, but he remained silent, knowing that he was lucky that Tony was allowing him this much. He noted that Tony looked unbelievably tired and defeated, which he'd have never expected out of the other.

"I swear if you tell a soul about this...." Tony's empty threat was not even intimidating, it simply showed how helpless he felt. He looked up at Steve with tears threatening, but he refused to give Steve the satisfaction of seeing him really cry. Even though he knew in his heart that seeing him cry wouldn’t make Steve feel good at all, he tried to stay angry at the man, so he could ignore his other emotions.

"It's none of their business, either," Steve returned quietly, moving over a bit to start bandaging his hand. "I know you're going to probably kick me in the face for this, but...you can talk to me, Tony. I..." he sighed, staring at the bandage for a moment before continuing, "I know that, right now, you'd talk to anyone but me about any of this, and I understand that. I can't promise that I'll have the right things to say, and I can't promise that I'll understand your actions, but I want you to know that I will try my best if you ever want to." He finished and looked up at Tony, not sure of what to say next.

"Thanks" Tony whispered. He wasn't mad-not really. Just sad. And he was afraid if he said any more, he would start bawling. A few tears spilled over as it was, and then a few more, until he brought his free hand up and buried his face in it, sobbing. He rolled himself up protectively, rocking back and forth as agony ripped through his frail body. He was shaking so hard, he couldn’t even say anything to stop Steve from freaking out, so he simply settled for taking deep breaths so he wouldn’t pass out.

Steve finished up, then turned his gaze away from Tony to allow him some privacy. He packed up the first aid kit and sat it above them on the desk, then turned his attention back to Tony. He never would have imagined things being like this, between them. He turned himself around and slid back so that he was sitting at Tony's side and remained silent, placing a hand on his shoulder.

Tony laid his head on Steve’s shoulder, then grasped at him, holding on for dear life. He sniffed loudly and tried to stifle his sobs, eventually turning into small whimpers as his body attempted to calm itself.

Steve's arm dropped so that it was looped around Tony. He tilted his head out of the way to give Tony's more room and sighed once more. "You must get exhausted," he said quietly. "You don't have to put on a show, you know. If you're unhappy...you're allowed to be unhappy."

Tony hiccupped before taking a deep, shaky breath. "Nobody likes someone who is unhappy." Tony looked down, his voice getting quieter. "But I guess nobody really likes me anyways."

"Well, it certainly can't be any better forcing yourself to be happy when you're not," Steve replied, glancing down at him. "And I like you. You're a good man, Tony. We just disagree on...everything." He smiled just a bit. "I want to be friends. The trouble is, we're equally stubborn, and neither of us gives in when we're wrong."

Tony sighed. He didn’t want to start a fight, but he wanted to make one thing clear. "You were wrong. Tonight. My father, he pointed a gun at my head. And said he would kill me. Because I got a C on my writing paper in second grade. Want to know why? Because I'm dyslexic. Yeah. But nobody knows that. Because if anyone knew that THE Howard Stark had a defective son, there would be blood. But first, he threatened my mother. Said it must have been her side that gave me the bad genes. It couldn't have come from the Stark DNA. So he pointed a gun at my head, and said he would kill my mother, and let me watch. And then he'd kill me too. Because I wasn’t smart enough to be a Stark, therefore, I didn’t deserve to live."

Steve's grip on Tony tightened without realizing he was doing it. He didn't know what to do with the information, really, so he let it sink in a bit. How could Howard have changed so drastically? "How could he do something like that?" he asked, though he wasn't really looking for an answer.

More tears fell as he remembered that night, and Tony buried his face in Steve shoulder, clinging to him. "I'm a disgrace to the Stark name. Nearly ruined my parents marriage too. I ruin everything" He whispered against Steve's neck.

"You are not a disgrace, Tony. You don't ruin everything. Look at all the things you've accomplished. Look at the arc reactor! That's more than impressive. No one in the world has been able to copy it correctly, you said so yourself. And JARVIS? Look at everything he's capable of. And that's all because of you, Tony. You did that. You are responsible for some of the most advanced technology in the world. And frankly, if your father treated you that way, you shouldn't work to live up to that kind of name, anyway." 

Tony looked up with red rimmed eyes. "He changed Steve. After he lost you-he was never the same. He drank all the time. He was a mess" Tony whispered.

"And that was completely irresponsible of him. He had a family to look after, and he ruined that. Time truly does change everything, doesn't it?" Steve lifted his free hand and thumbed away the remaining tears on Tony's face. "I'm sorry, Tony. If I had known... I wish we could have traded personas. The Howard I knew...he would have made a wonderful father. I'm sorry that time hardened him the way that it did."

Tony nodded. "Thank you Steve. And I forgive you, for defending him. You didn’t know." Tony looked down then, fidgeting with his hands. "And I don't want you to worry. About me. I'm okay."

"Thank you," Steve replied, but he gave him a wary look. "That's easier said than done. How...how long?"

Tony sighed audibly. "Since Afghanistan I guess. But I've done it before. When I was a kid. Helps me think when I am freaking out" Tony admitted quietly. He’d never told anyone these things before.

Steve frowned, nodding a bit. "Well, we'll need to find something else that helps you think."

"I've tried lots of stuff. And I do well for a while. But, it's like a drug. I can't stop. When I get upset, it's my go to. I can't stop myself, even though I want to." Tony looked down again, ridden with guilt.

"Then from now on, when you're feeling that way, you come talk to me. I don't care what I'm doing. I will make time. I don't ever want to find you like this again.""

"I-can't promise that. But I'll try. I really will" Tony whispered.

"Then all I can do is be grateful for that much." Steve leaned back a bit, still holding Tony close to him, "You certainly gave me quite a scare, though."

"I'm sorry" Tony whispered honestly.

"I'm going to do whatever it takes to make you happy again, Tony. I don't mean the usual way, either. I'll do everything I can to make you genuinely happy again," Steve promised.

Tony looked into his eyes, and blurted out what had been on his mind for weeks, without thinking about the consequences. "I love you" He breathed, and kissed Steve’s cheek.

Steve was surprised, more by the statement than the action. He looked at Tony for a moment before smiling. "I love you, too. So try for me, alright? I'll try to be more understanding if you'll let me try to help you." He leaned in and pressed their lips together softly, grazing his fingers across Tony’s cheek. "Deal?"

Tony nodded, a faint smile playing at his lips. "Thank you. For everything." Tony yawned, he felt like he could keel over any second. "Maybe we should get some sleep?"

Steve nodded, letting go of Tony and pressing himself up from the ground. He held a hand out and pulled Tony up as well. Tony put an arm around Steve's back and they headed upstairs. "You staying with me tonight?” Tony asked tentatively.

"If you want me to, I will," Steve replied with a shrug.

"Please do" Tony whispered, gripping Steve's hand tightly.

"Okay," he replied softly. "Let me go change, and I'll come right back, alright?"

Tony nodded. He threw on some boxers and a tshirt, leaving his arms exposed for the first time in a while. It felt somewhat freeing, not having to hide himself.

Steve left and returned a few minutes later, wearing sleep pants and a tshirt. He yawned as he entered the room, then smiled when he saw Tony in a tshirt as well. "Looks good on you." He commented.

Tony was so self conscious, he nearly changed it three times before Steve got back, eventually opting to press his wrists into his legs. "I-thanks" he smiled genuinely. God, Steve Rogers...

Steve smiled wider and nodded once. "You're welcome. Bed, now." He walked over to Tony and led him to the bed, then walked around the other side and laid down.

Tony obeyed, and eyed his marred arm that was intertwined with Steve's once they were under the covers. "You don't have to look at these-I should change..." He said quickly, readying to get up.

"No," Steve replied instantly. "When I said 'I love you', I meant you. All of you. Right down to every last scar. And you do look very nice in that shirt. So please, don't change."

Tony stared at Steve wide eyed, a few tears escaping. he was panicky right now, his anxiety spiking. He wasn't used to people seeing his arms and he definitely didn’t like how exposed he was feeling right now. "Ok" He whispered, burying his face in Steve's shoulder, trying to stop shaking as he hid his arms under the covers.

Steve pressed a kiss to Tony's forehead and curled his arms around him, trying to calm him. "It's okay, Tony. Really. And if you don't want me talking about it, I won't. But please don't think that you have to keep yourself covered up. You never have to pretend with me."

Tony nodded. "I know I just-I’m not used to this. To people seeing this side of me. It's-scary. I don't want to scare you away. My arms are ugly." he whispers.

"No," Steve repeated, carefully slipping Tony’s arms out from under the blankets. He gently brushed over the scarred skin with his fingers. "They're beautiful," he said quietly. "They're rough, and they're worn, but they're experienced, and they tell a story that could never be told in words. They are anything but ugly," he breathed, placing soft kisses over the scarred skin.

Tony stared as Steve kissed his arms, tears falling freely. "You really think so?" He asked, so much vulnerability in his eyes.

Steve locked eyes with Tony, his expression not even coming close to expressing how sincere he truly was. "More than I could ever explain. Never be ashamed of them."

Tony closed his eyes and smiled, truly smiled. "Thank you" He whispered, pulling Steve in to kiss his neck, before snuggling himself against the man, already half asleep.

Steve smiled and pushed a hand through his hair, then draped his arms around Tony once more. "Sweet dreams, Tony," he whispered before letting his eyes fall shut as well.


	2. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Re-posting)

Steve woke around his usual time, burying his face into the pillow before coming to the realization that he was most certainly not in his bedroom. The previous night’s events flooded into his mind, and he lifted his head to get a good look at Tony. Sighing softly, he got up from the bed and left the room. 

Tony woke up to an empty bed, the sheets on the other side pulled up neatly. What had hap-OH. SHIT. The events of the night before hit him hard-he realized that he was thoroughly screwed. You’re such an idiot... he thought to himself, he hadn’t wanted Steve to find out about this. After battling over the best way to deal with the current situation, he decided to just get up and face it. He slipped out of bed and stretched, padding down the stairs quietly as to not draw attention to himself. He was about to barge into the kitchen when he heard voices and he settled against the wall to listen.

Steve had meant to keep his word to Tony, really he had, but when he found himself in the presence of Miss Potts, all of that plan went straight to hell. He hadn’t meant to give details, and he certainly hadn’t meant to be specific, but he found himself spilling everything to her before he’d realized what he was doing. “I’m just really worried about him,” he said quietly.

Tony had listened to most of the conversation as Steve detailed everything that had happened the night before. Tony’s stomach twisted, feeling instantly betrayed. He went to tiptoe across the opening of the kitchen to get to the lab, hoping they wouldn’t see him. But once he stepped out, the floor immediately creaked, damn it floor, and both turned to stare at him.

Hearing the creak in the floor, Steve’s heart dropped into his stomach. He should have known better than to speak up, and part of him regretted it, but he knew that Tony needed whatever support he could get. If anyone else should know, it should be Pepper. He excused himself quickly and followed the sound to find Tony standing there. Guilt quickly took over his emotions when he saw the look on his face, and he rose quickly, already preparing his apology.

Tony turned to run when he heard feet coming towards him, but Steve grabbed his bandaged wrist. Tony winced and shied away, muttering a leave me alone, turning his face away, but not taking his arm out of Steve’s grip. Pepper had followed Steve out into the hall way and stared at Tony with fear in her eyes. Tony met her gaze but looked down quickly, hating that he had put that fear there.

“Tony, I know I screwed up. I know. But she deserves to know. She’s one of your closest friends, Tony.” Steve frowned, stepping closer. “If the situation were reversed, wouldn’t you have wanted to know?”

“BUT IT’S NOT REVERSED. THIS IS MY THING TO DEAL WITH, AND I TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY ANYTHING STEVE. I trusted you. I-shit. Just. Fine. She knows now. Hooray. I’m gonna go now...” He turns to leave, giving Pepper a nod before turning and trying to get away, but Steve tightens his grip.

“This isn’t something you can hide under a pile of work, Tony! Please, give this a chance, won’t you? We want to help, Tony. I know this feels like a personal attack, but it’s nowhere near that. Please try to understand.” Steve turned Tony to face them, looking more upset than he’d meant to.

“I-I’m sorry. I’m not used to people knowing. I know I need to trust you guys, just. Give me some time okay? This is new. Having other people. I can’t even-I don’t know okay.” He hangs his head, a few angry tears escaping against his will. “I don’t know what to do anymore,” he whispered, leaning into Steve’s embrace.

“I understand,” he said softly, pulling Tony in close. “I know it’s going to take some time. But you have to try as much as we do, okay? I can see how this would be uncomfortable for you, but it’s not exactly peachy on this side, either. We’ve all got things to work on. Give us a shot, and we’ll do the same for you.”

Tony nodded into Steve’s shoulder, feeling completely humiliated. “I’ll t-try” he whispered, sniffing loudly. 

` Steve gave Pepper a concerned look before turning his attention back to Tony. He sighed quietly and placed a light kiss on the top of his head. “We all will.”

Tony nodded and held Steve tightly, before feeling himself being picked up and brought to lay on Steve’s lap on the couch. Steve pet Tony’s hair as he calmed down, and Pepper sat across from them, watching silently. 

Steve continued stroking Tony’s hair. He felt absolutely horrible for making this happen, but he was glad that Pepper knew. He lifted his eyes and met her gaze, then shrugged gently and looked back down to Tony. “I really am sorry,” he mumbled, shifting a bit to clear Tony’s face of tears. “I should have talked to you about it before I brought it up with her. I didn’t mean to betray your trust. I swear to you that it will never happen again without your consent.”

Tony nodded, wiping his face. “This is ridiculous” he sputtered, sitting up and sniffing. “Can’t you just leave me alone? I’m fine. I’ve been fine. Everything is okay so just LET ME HANDLE IT, ALRIGHT? Get off my back.” He turned and stalked away towards the lab to get his mind off things. Somewhat unconsciously, he headed straight towards his drawer where he keeps his razors. He was like a machine, picking up the sharp edge and letting it gleam in the light, before his senses kicked in. The razor dropped to the floor with a clatter, and he pitched forward, tears threatening again. Maybe he really did need help. He sat behind his desk on the floor, passing the razor back and forth between his hands until he heard a soft knock at the door. “Come in,” he said quietly, though they must have heard him, because whoever it was came in and headed toward his voice. 

After a short talk with Pepper, Steve rose from the couch and made his way to the lab. He knocked out of courtesy, but was prepared to enter, whether given permission or not. He was grateful to hear Tony’s voice allowing him to join him and entered at a casual pace. Following Tony’s voice, he found him behind the same desk where he’d seen him the night before, and instinct took over as he scanned Tony’s arms. His eyes fell on the razor, but when he saw no new marks, he sighed softly and sat across from Tony on the floor. “If there’s anything you want to say, please go ahead. I know you’re mad at me, and with good reason. I won’t shut you down.” Steve folded his hands in his lap and tilted his head a bit, watching Tony.

Tony sighed, not meeting Steve’s eyes. “I’m not mad at you,” He admitted, still playing with the razor but making no move to use it. “This is just all happening so fast. It’s-it’s scaring me. And I realize that it’s right to let people help me. But I-ugh. I’m not good at this stuff. I like being alone. Nobody can let you down if you aren’t expecting anything from them.” Tony looks up then, meeting Steve’s eyes, and handing him the razor. “You should probably take this.” He then stands and pulls open a drawer in his desk. “And these” he gestures to the plethora of razors he had stored in there. Steve looked appalled to see them, but obliged, opting to just take out the entire drawer, leaving a gaping hole in the desk. “That’s all of them. I promise” Tony whispered. “I should talk to Pepper...” He states, looking up to Steve as if asking for support. “Did she cry?” he whispers, asking Steve the question to which he feared the answer. 

Steve stared at the drawer for a solid thirty seconds before he let out a slow breath, turning to look at Tony. “Thank you. You didn’t have to do that, so really, thank you. That’s very brave of you.” He cradled the drawer against his hip, planning to dispose of its contents the next chance he got. Tony’s question caught him off-guard though, and he frowned at the expression he was receiving from him. Of course he’d be worried about Pepper. That’s why he hadn’t told her. He sighed softly and nodded briefly, maintaining eye contact with Tony. “But understand that it’s not your fault, Tony. She’s not upset with you. She’s just worried about you. I’d definitely suggest having a talk with her, though. Let her know what’s been going on from your side. All she knows is what I know, which certainly wouldn’t be keeping her very calm.” 

Tony nodded, getting up from the ground. “Yeah. I guess-I guess you’re right. I hate hurting her. So much.”

Steve nodded appreciatively. Though he’d never been in this exact position, he knew all about the feeling of not meeting the expectations of the people that mattered most. “Pepper is a strong girl. She’s capable of handling information like that very well. All she needs right now is a good word that you’re putting something into this, too. She’ll be okay.”

Tony sighed, going towards the door. “Will you come with me? I don’t-I don’t know how I can fix this. I don’t know what to say to her.” Tony turned to face Steve again, “Please help me,” he whispered.

“Of course,” he replied, taking a step toward Tony. He brushed his hand through Tony’s hair and gave him a hint of a smile. “Don’t be nervous. She’s heard worse out of you.” Steve then turned and adjusted the drawer on his hip before heading toward the door. “Oh, did you want me to get rid of this before we went to her?”

“Um.” Tony thought for a moment. Of course he didn’t want Pepper to see any of this side of him, but maybe if she saw he was letting Steve take all his ‘tools’, she would see that he really was making an effort. “Maybe-maybe she should see. So she knows I’m trying.” Tony looked up at Steve nervously. He felt like he was going to puke from nerves. 

Steve watched him for a minute before nodding. The look on Tony’s face was upsetting, to say in the least. Steve wasn’t used to Tony looking so fragile, and it made him nervous as well. “That’s a good idea. And do you want me to leave you two alone, or do you want me to stick around?” he asked.

Tony sighed audibly, trying to decide what he actually could handle. “Ugh. Do I-do I really have to do this? Maybe, we can talk about it later. You know, let it settle in. Right? Yeah. I’m gonna do some work and you can go and-uh...” he gestured to the drawer, then towards the door. “Right. See you later then.” Tony turned away, trying to avoid Steve and his knowing stare. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t talk to Pepper about it. He just couldn’t. 

“Tony,” Steve warned, giving him a look. “You’ve got to talk to her, whether you want to or not. Avoiding it will not make it any easier. You know that it won’t. And she deserves to know that you’re okay, don’t you think? She’s worried, Tony. I’m not trying to guilt you into this, but you need to understand the reality of the situation. She’s upset, and she’s concerned, and more than anything, she really just needs to talk to you. So please? She’s trusted me with you, and I’m trusting you to do the right thing, here. I know you can do it. Just talk to her.”

“I-but, I just. Steve. I think if I try to talk to her-I, it’s so hard. Talking to anyone. I want to, but...I don’t think...” Tony stuttered along, trying to think of a decent excuse as to why he couldn’t talk to Pepper and coming up blank. So he ended up just throwing out words hoping Steve would buy it. Which of course-he didn’t. “Don’t give me that look, Steve Rogers. Pepper’s just-I can’t...I-” Tony was cut off abruptly as Pepper entered the lab, taking in the sight of the two men squabbling and the drawer full of razors balanced on Steve’s hip. 

“What am I?” She asked, looking Tony’s way fiercely, though her expression softened when she saw the distress he was in. “Let’s sit.” She gestured to the couch near the wall, steering Tony towards it. Steve quietly excused himself, to which Tony threw him a somewhat frantic look. Tony plopped himself down onto the couch, as Pepper dragged over the armchair and sat across from her friend. Tony was looking anywhere but her eyes. “Tony, look at me.” He obliged, his eyes so vulnerable it broke her heart. “Talk to me. Tell me what happened,” she asked gently, reaching her hand up to rub his cheek lightly. 

Tony sighed, he missed the feel of Pepper there with him. He shut his eyes against her touch, trying to keep his emotions in check. He couldn’t lose it-not here, not now, not with Pepper. He’d put her through enough. She shouldn’t have to deal with a mental breakdown. He cracked open his eyes to meet hers, and he knew he could trust her-that she just wanted to help him. “I-I’m a fuck up,” he whispered, his voice cracking a bit at the last word. 

Pepper’s heart nearly shattered as the words left his lips. She watched him sadly, but shook her head immediately. “No, no, no, don’t you ever for one second think something like that.” She’d seen Tony down plenty of times, but this took the cake. She could barely stand seeing him so open and broken. “Sweetie, what’s going on? Please tell me.”

“I’m completely out of control,” Tony whispered again, not daring to pitch his voice any higher for fear of his already prominent voice cracks. “I can’t even deal with my emotions. I don’t know what to do. So I hurt myself. The pain makes things clearer, puts me back in control. I can’t think without it.” Tony looked down to his arms. He’d slipped on a long sleeve shirt before coming downstairs, not planning on having Pepper know that any of this was going on. He realized he had been gripping his left wrist, digging his fingers in until it stung. Pepper gently took his hand, rolling up the sleeve to reveal old and new wounds alike. Tony couldn’t look at her, at her steadily falling tears. “I’m sorry,” he whispered to the floor. “I’m crazy.” 

“Oh, Tony,” she breathed, sniffing quietly as she looked his arm over. It took her a moment before she could continue. She tilted his chin up to look at her, face soft but serious. “You’re not crazy, Tony, I would know by now. This doesn’t look like crazy to me.” Pepper did her best to blink back her tears, but they continued, despite her efforts. “I’m scared,” she admitted. “You’re all I have left, you know. Don’t let me lose you, too.”

Tony looked away from her then, grasping at his arm tightly. “I-I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so lost.” Tony looks up into her eyes, his own betraying his emotions as a few tears roll “I hate hurting you,” he whispered, hating himself-hating the world. “It kills me, Pepper, it really does. Being the reason you’re like-like this,” he waved his arms in front of her, trying to display her emotions. “Sometimes...” He looks away again, not bearing to see her face when he continued, “sometimes I think everyone would be better off if I were dead.” Everything is silent for a moment, just the sound of their breathing, before he adds, “A lot of the time. All the time. All the time I think that.”

Pepper tried her best to press back whatever emotion she could. She wasn’t fond of getting emotional to begin with, but Tony’s words made her want to suppress it more to prevent him from being more upset. She buried her face in her hands for a moment, wishing that this wasn’t happening. She hated herself for knowing Tony as long as she had and never realizing there was something going on. Taking a deep breath, Pepper lifted her face from her hands and watched Tony with heartbroken eyes. “I wish that wasn’t the case,” she began quietly. “Oh, Tony. Why have you never talked to me before? I...I’m sure there’s something I could have done, something I could have said, I... Oh, Tony.”

“No, it’s not your fault. Not at all. It’s my own stupid fault, Pepper.” Tony reached up to wipe the tears from his face, but more just came in their place. “I’m sorry you found out this way. I didn’t even want you to know. I-I didn’t want you to have to deal with me. I’m such a pain in the ass. And I’m sorry.” Tony took in a shaky breath, then continued, quieter. “I thought maybe if I didn’t tell anyone, then it would go away, and I wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore. But it didn’t go away. It got worse. And then I was in too deep and I couldn’t say anything.” Tony took Pepper’s hand then, squeezing it tight and bringing it up to his wet face. “I’m so scared, Pepper,” he whispered, hot tears falling onto the back of her palm. 

Twisting her hand, Pepper cupped her fingers against Tony’s cheek and stroked it with her thumb. “You really should have come to me, Tony. Or at least told someone. Now may not be the best time for patronizing, but you should have taken care of this before it spiraled out of control.” She frowned, taking another look at his arm before looking back up to his face. “Has this been happening for a long time? God, I should have been able to see that something was wrong. I shouldn’t have missed something like this. Tony, I am so sorry, you have...you have no idea. I’m so sorry I never noticed. I’m so sorry,” she repeated, shaking her head and letting her eyes slip shut.

“It’s not your fault,” he whispered again. “I thought I could handle it alone. I didn’t want to worry anyone. I’m sorry.” Tony met her eyes, revealing all his emotions in that one glance. “What do we do now?” he asked her quietly.

Pepper sighed, resting her hand on his shoulder. “We should get you some proper help. Don’t take offense to that, you know what I mean. Steve and I can be supportive, but we can’t do it alone. We’re not experienced, and try as we might, we aren’t always going to know what’s best for you. Of course, this is entirely your choice, Tony. I’d like you to see someone about this, because I think it could really help you, but if you’re uncomfortable with the idea, I’ll also understand.”

Tony sighed. He hated doctors, especially when it had to do with his mental health. But he also knew that the situation was getting dire, and that he should listen to Pepper - she was usually right. “Doctors scare me,” he admitted, figuring being honest would be the best way to go. “I don’t know how well talking to one would help me.”

"I know," she said quietly, "But this could really help you. And you know I'm right, so don't argue. Please just try? Go one time. I'll even let you choose the doctor."

“Pepperrrrrrr,” Tony whined, but he knew she was correct. “I don’t even know how to pick doctors. What if they’re mean? What if I don’t like them?” Tony looked up to her with pleading eyes, but she just stared back with that look that said don’t fuck with me today, Tony Stark. “Fine,” he gave in, shoulders slumping and breath coming out in a whoosh. “I’ll go. ONE TIME.” He looked up and met her eyes. “Why don’t you pick?” Tony decided, then if he didn’t like them, he could blame her.

"One time is what we've agreed on, yes," she nodded. "And I know you, Tony, so don't you complain to me if you don't like them, because you had the option to choose for yourself, and you gave that choice to me." Sighing softly, she folded her hands and looked him over. "Thank you. For giving this a chance. I really think it could help. You might even want to go again."

“Psssh. Right,” Tony scoffed. “I’ve been to therapists before. I NEVER want to go back.” He looked down at his wrists though, knowing that he really did need help. “This is the only thing left to do though. I’m out of ideas,” he whispered. He couldn’t find any way to stop himself from this destructive coping mechanism. “I’ll try it. If you and Steve come with me.” Tony tried to hide his blush. “I hate going to the doctor”.

"You won't know until you've given it a chance, so don't close your mind off from it just yet. You know I'd be there in a heartbeat, and Steve? I can tell he cares about you, Tony. Maybe more than you realize. I have no doubt in my mind that he'd be there without you even having to ask. Now come here," she finished, pulling him into a hug. "We really are here for you. I'll say that now, and I'll say that as often as I have to."

“I know,” he whispered, sniffing into her shoulder. “Thank you.”

"Do you want me to show you who I pick before I schedule you? Or do you just want me to go ahead and let you know when we've got to be there?" she asked, squeezing his shoulder and pulling back.

“Just tell me when, or I’ll be worrying about it for days,” he admitted, not looking in her eyes. “Thanks for doing this,” he whispered.

"Alright. And Tony, you know I'd do anything for you. Really, I would. You don't have to keep thanking me. Just give it an honest shot. Don't play around with this. And please, for the love of God, don't give them sarcastic answers, because that won't help at all." She smiled a little looking down. "But thank you for letting us help. I really do want you to be okay."

Tony smirked, trying to lighten the mood. “I’ll do my best.” Tony looked down then, face becoming solemn. “I want to be okay, too.”

"You will be," she promised, giving him a serious look. "We'll make sure of that. So no more worrying, okay? We're all going to take care of this together."

“Okay,” he whispered, meeting her eyes finally. 

"So hey," she began, small smile returning. "What's all of this with you and Steve, then? Why was I told nothing about this, either? Really, Tony, you can't keep information like that from me. You know I'll find out the petty things very quickly."

Tony blushed all the way up to his ears. “There's...no. No there isn’t anything going on, don’t give me that look! We are just friends. I don’t think Steve is like that anyway...” Tony mumbled, secretly wishing him and Steve were trying something.

"Oh, so the little kisses on the head, and his hands in your hair, and him cradling you against that big, buff, American-washboard were all just him being concerned, then, I see. Just checking." Pepper arched a brow and folded her arms.

“Oh stop it you. I don't know what it is. I can’t ask him about it. I don’t want to ruin our friendship...ugh. I just don’t know okay? What am I supposed to do about it?”

"Well, you're certainly more friendly with him than you realize, that's for sure. Don't think I wasn't watching you two earlier. He's watching over you like a puppy. I think you two are already more than you think you are." She laughed softly, shaking her head. "Just see what happens."

“AM NOT,” Tony pouted, not liking the way Pepper was describing him. “Whatever. Captain America is not gay. No way.” Tony secretly wished he was though. Pepper was the only one who really knew he was bisexual, and teased him about when she could tell that a man had caught his eye.

"Oh, don't get so rustled. Have you considered that maybe he is? Have you asked him at all? You can't just assume someone's sexuality, Tony." She shrugged, backing off. "Do as you will, know that I support you. Oh, but goodness, Captain America though? At least you have good taste."

Tony blushed even deeper, hiding his face in his hands. “He is too good for me, anyway,” he said, shaking his head. “Do you think he’s gay?” Tony was generally pretty good at seeing these things. His heart jumped at the possibility. He snorted at her last comment, trying to hide the way he blushed even deeper at the thought of how good the captain looked. “He is nice looking, I’ll give you that,” he admitted, trying to hold back the much stronger words on the tip of his tongue that would reveal that he thought Steve was much more than nice looking.

"Look, from what I saw this morning, you two looked perfectly peachy together. And in case you haven't noticed, half of the country wants in his pants. He's kind enough to politely decline these offers, but they're there, nonetheless. So unless you plan on watching him get cozy with someone else, I'd suggest you at least inquire." Pepper fully smiled at his modest description of Steve. "Nice looking? Really? Come on, Tony."

Tony looked up, completely mortified. “But what if he isn’t? He doesn’t even know I’m-uh, into that. I’ll just look like a complete fool. He wouldn’t want me anyway,” Tony said softly.

"Then he'll be gracious and polite as always. It's Steve." She tilted her head, still smiling. "And again, how would you know? Unless you've had a direct conversation with Steve about what he does and does not like, you're as clueless as the rest of us."

“Pepper, you don’t get it. Steve is important. He’s different than the rest. I don’t, I can’t mess this up.”

Pepper sighed softly, folding her hands in her lap. "Then you'll just have to play the cards like everyone else on the planet. Steve's still got the old fashioned mindset, so hitting on him like you do with everyone else won't work in your favor. If you really want it, you're going to have to work for it."

Tony sighed, rubbing his face with his palm. “I know. God, I know. I should really just talk to him.”

"That would be the optimal choice," she agreed, nodding once. 

“But what do I say?” he whined. He hated dealing with emotions. He’d dealt with enough for one day.

"The same things that people usually say. Just tell him how you feel, Tony," she explained. The sound of footsteps behind her silenced her instantly.

"Tell who how you feel?" Steve asked, walking in and looking between the two. "Is everything alright?"

“Um. Yep. Everything’s great, Cap, now that you’re here. Well, Pepper, it was a nice chat we had. I’ll see you later, I should get back to work you guys, okay, so yeah, I’ll be up in a bit to eat . Cool, then, bye,” he said too fast, pushing them towards the door, but neither of them budged. He laughed a bit too forcibly, “What?”

Steve's brow furrowed as he watched Tony carefully. "You seemed okay when I walked in," he commented. "I'm not making this difficult, am I? Because I can go, it's not a problem at all. I just wanted to check in. I can go back upstairs, if you need me to."

“No-no stay,” Tony said, putting a hand on Steve’s arm, then jumping back like he’d been burned. 

Pepper looked at them both, then gave Tony a sneaky look before smiling. "I have some things to look into. Steve, thank you very much for your help. I'll leave you two to it." She gave Tony a sly smirk before slipping out and quickly heading upstairs.

Steve smiled at Pepper and nodded as she left, then turned back to Tony. "Are you sure? I don't mind, really."

“No. It’s fine. I like hanging out with you anyway.” Tony winced at how needy it sounded. 

"Well, alright, then," he replied, moving farther into the room. "So, I'm assuming the talk with Pepper went well? She seemed happy when she left."

“Yeah. It was-it was good.” He thought back to what she had said about Steve and just going for it. “Had any ‘friends’ you looking at lately?” Tony asked suggestively, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm glad," he smiled, turning to face him. "And...Well, of course? I see you all every day, and I assume we're all friends..." 

Tony rolled his eyes at Steve’s innocence. “I mean do you have your eye on anyone?”

Steve gave him a confused look before he pieced everything together. "Oh, you mean...oh. Oh! Well...not exactly? I haven't really taken the time to look around. I've been kept busy since everything happened, so there hasn't really been a free moment. Do you? Have a fancy for someone?"

Tony blushed, dropping his head in hopes that Steve wouldn’t see him blush so deeply. “Um. Not exactly. I don’t-uh. Not sure they’re interested. They’re too good for me anyway”

"Too good for Tony Stark?" he asked, laughing. "Never thought I'd hear that one. Well, despite the fact that I'm going to sound like a genuine old man, back in my day, if you had someone of interest, you let them know. Of course you had to look like a million bucks and have a perfect voice, but hey, who's keeping track? The movies I grew up with are pretty good representations of how things were. Seems like things have gotten...a whole lot less complex since then," he chuckled, crossing his arms.

Tony considered that for a second, weighing the odds of what would happen if he told Steve right now. “I’m bisexual,” he blurted out, and wincing when he heard it.

Steve's eyebrows flew up, and he looked Tony over before smiling. "Are you trying to tell me something, Stark? Because I may be a little dense to turn of phrase, but I can put two and two together."

“No-no I...” Tony rubbed the back of his neck, panicking. “I just feel like now that you know stuff, I should tell you everything.”

Steve chuckled again and took a seat. "Alright, if you say so."

Tony laughed nervously along. “Yeah. Why? Are you?” Tony tried to ask innocently and failing.

"Am I what?" he asked, turning his gaze back to Tony before laughing. "Are you always this cryptic?"

Tony blushed deeply this time. He was screwed. “I mean, have you ever felt anything, for um. A guy?”

Steve flushed a bit at the question but shrugged. "I guess, yeah. Nothing serious has ever come of it, but...well, yeah. Yes." 

“WHO?” Tony asked too quickly, then bit back. “Sorry. You don’t have to answer that. I’m just curious”

He scratched the back of his neck, blushing deeper. "I-- eh, well. No, uh, it's okay. Bucky. Kind of. Not enough that I would have said or done anything, but...yeah." Steve took a deep breath and turned his gaze to anything but Tony, unsure of what his reaction would be.

“He sounded like a good friend. Don’t see how he could have said no to you.” Tony looked horrified that this had left his mouth, but he didn’t run away, not this time.

Steve lifted his gaze to meet Tony's eyes, giving him a curious look. "So you're sure this is all just talk, then?"

Tony didn’t answer his question, just stared into his eyes, stepping towards him. “Why? Would it change anything if it weren’t?” Tony asked innocently, a devious smile on his face.

"Potentially," he replied, watching him as he came closer. "I guess it would really depend on how serious it was."

“Well, that would depend on how serious you are,” Tony said, getting a bit nervous. Was Steve just playing with him or what?

Steve rose from his seat, keeping his eyes on Tony as he walked up to him. "At the moment, I'm about as serious as can be. So what about you?"

“Same,” Tony whispered, feeling like he might fall over. This was too much, too good, he waited for the other shoe to drop. He decided he should sit before he fainted, opting to fall back into the couch, and Steve joined him, taking hold of his hand and squeezing it lightly. Tony squeezed back, smiling.

"So what exactly does this mean?" he asked, looking to their hands. "All of this?"

“Whatever we want it to mean, I guess,” Tony said quietly, not moving.

Steve hummed, tilting his head back. "I'm okay with that, if you are." He smiled, glancing in Tony's direction. "But you really could have just said something."

“I just did,” Tony said. When Steve gave him a look like da fuck ,Tony rolled his eyes. “I’m not very good at emotional stuff. You know that.”

Steve grinned, squeezing his hand once more. "I suppose I do. I like that though. It gives you character." 

“Thanks,” Tony whispered, leaning his head against Steve’s shoulder and cuddling in. “I agreed to go to the doctor,” he whispered again, keeping his face in the crook of Steve’s neck.

Tilting his head out of the way, Steve loosened his hand from Tony’s and draped his arm around him. "Really? That's wonderful. Really, that's very good, thank you. How do you feel about that?"

Tony sighed. “Worried,” he admitted quietly against Steve’s chest.

"Don't be," he advised. "They're specialized in what they do, so they'll be able to help you. And if they didn't want to, they wouldn't have chosen that as a job. You'll be in good hands. And I'll go too, if you want." 

“Really?” Tony asked lightly, feeling less nervous already. “Pepper’s scheduling it. I don’t know when it will be.”

Steve smiled and nodded. "Of course. And if she's the one setting it up, she'll be sure to find someone fitting. You know Pepper wouldn't just set you up with a wacky."

“I know...I just. I don’t know. Doctors scare me.”

"Well, from personal experience, doctors saved my life. I know that sounds a little dramatic, but it's true. I was a pretty sickly kid, yadda yadda, sob story, but they were certainly helpful, then. And doctors came into play with the serum, too. Without that, I'd still be a lanky, contagion-capturing, awkward kid who lived and died in Brooklyn. Doctors do good things, Tony. They mean well. You've just got to let them do their job."

Tony didn’t want to let out what he was really afraid of, but here in Steve’s arms, he felt trust. “What if they tell me-” Tony looks away, continuing, “what if they say there’s nothing they can do? That I’m a lost cause?” He buries his face in Steve’s neck again. “That I can’t be fixed?” he whispered.

"Ah, I see." Steve made a thoughtful noise and was quiet for a moment. "Well, I believe that they can help. And I believe that you can get better. There's nothing to fix, Tony. Just mend."

“Steve,” Tony looked up to meet his eyes, so much pain in them. “I’m so fucked up, Steve. Like you don’t even know the half of it.”

Steve looked into his eyes, frowning. "Maybe not. But that doesn't change my opinion. Tony, you are not messed up by any means. I mean that."

“LOOK AT ME, STEVE. I’m pathetic. I don't deserve you. That’s why I didn’t say anything. I don’t even deserve to live.”

"I am looking at you, Tony. My eyes are wide open. I don't see someone pathetic, I see someone who's used to working too hard and getting praised for too little. Yes, you do deserve me. I think that's my call. And yes, I've already called it. And don't you ever, ever say that you don't deserve to live. You deserve so much more than just life, Tony. You're...amazing, for lack of a better term. Literally amazing. I don't know what I can say to convince you of that, but I believe it with all my heart." He sighed softly, staring at Tony for a moment before adding, "going to this doctor? It will be good. And I really do believe that they can help you. But that isn't what makes or breaks you being a person that deserves to live. I guess I'm rambling, there's a point in there somewhere."

Tony smiled weakly, trying to keep his tears back. He clung to Steve hard, breathing deeply. “Why me? Why do you think I’m so great? I’m just a narcissistic asshole who doesn’t give a shit. You should hate me. I’m everything you’re against.”

Steve chuckled quietly, then smiled. "That's what you think. You're not as much of an egotistical jerk as you try to make people believe. You do have a big head on you, but you're more than a forced ego. I've known that for a while, now. You care about more than you let on."

Tony sighed. He couldn’t win. “I will let you down. I let everyone down. I just-if we don’t get involved, then it won’t hurt as much when you leave.” Tony said in a whoosh. That was his biggest fear. Why he didn’t let people in.

"But I don't want to leave. Tony, I don't want to go anywhere. It's kind of hard to let me down. So don't worry about me."

“I just want you to be happy,” Tony mumbled into Steve’s shirt, loving the soft material against his face. He heard heels clacking as pepper emerged in the door, the smirk on her face clearly displaying her emotions. Tony didn’t look up, but stayed in Steve’s arms, feeling like he might need it when Pepper spoke.

"I am happy, Tony. Right here," Steve said, squeezing him gently. He looked up when he heard the footsteps, but when Tony made no effort to move,, he didn't either.

Pepper folded her arms, her smirk growing wider. "So, I guess you two...talked."

Tony scoffed. “What’s up?” He asked quietly, not meeting her eyes.

She smiled and said nothing for a moment, then shrugged. "I wanted to see if things had progressed at all. And I wanted to let you know that I've narrowed it down to a few people, so Steve's opinion would be valued, when he's got some free time."

Tony glanced at him quickly, nodding. “I’m okay. You can go up now, Steve,” Tony said, nodding to Pepper before getting up to solder something. 

"I'll come back down after, okay?" He watched Tony get up before he pressed up from the couch and followed Pepper upstairs.

Tony sighed, watching them both leave. He tried to work, but his hands shook too much, so he simply sat on his floor, thinking. He didn’t notice Steve was back until he was on the floor with him.

"Are you okay, Tony?" he asked, watching him quietly. "You seem kind of off."

“I'm adjusting. It’s a big step” he said, leaning against Steve.

"I understand. How are you feeling about all of this? I know a lot's happened in the last day."

“Really overwhelmed,” he admitted, running his fingers through his hair. The truth was, he had been thinking of where he could find a sharp object to cut without Steve finding out. That’s how stressed he was. But he didn’t want Steve to know that. Hopefully he wouldn’t ask. 

"You're on the floor," he said softly, but he didn't press it any further. He'd come to realize that this was where Tony usually went when he was about to do it again. Steve sighed softly and rested his hand on Tony's knee. "It's not going to be as bad as you think. This is a big change, but it's a good one. You just don't realize it, yet."

Tony sighed loudly. “I hope so,” he whispered, “because it’s real fucking hard right now.” His voice was choked as he buried his face in Steve’s shirt, tears falling, sobs wracking his body.

Steve wrapped his arms around him and stroked his back, attempting to calm him. "It's going to be okay, Tony. Soon. Really soon."

Tony shook his head violently against Steve’s chest. “Doesn’t feel that way,” he cried.

"Maybe not. But give it time. Things aren't going to change over night, and you're going to need patience. There will be good days, and there will be rough ones. Sometimes it's not always going to be a step forward." He lifted his hand to rest on the back of Tony's head, keeping him close. "It's not going to be easy, and it's not going to be fun. I'm here, and Pepper's here, and we're going to do absolutely everything that we can to make it as easy as possible for you, but you need to understand that we won't always be able to help. Sometimes, it's going to be up to you."

Tony nodded, wiping his eyes. “I know. I will do my best,” he whispered. “What do we do now?”

"Anything you want to do. You've been through enough craziness for today, I'd say." He smiled glancing at him. "You deserve a break. We can deal with the rest as it comes."


	3. Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY I NEVER NAMED THESE. Re-post

"Tony, calm down, please?" Steve spoke gently, trying to cool Tony down. He knew that getting him to agree to the appointment would only be half the challenge. As it now stood, Tony was less than unprepared to head to the doctor. "Pepper and I will both be there, as promised. Just try to get through this one time."

Tony was in such a state of anxiety that he literally could not even reply. He felt like his insides were shaking and like he was going to throw up-again. He currently inhabited the floor of the downstairs bathroom, Steve sitting on the edge of the tub next to him, running his fingers through his hair. He shook his head, trying to clear his mind. He wanted to cut SO BAD right now. So bad. He was digging into his wrists with his nails so hard that blood came out. Steve gripped his hand tightly, pulling it away, and Tony just shook on the floor, feeling hopeless and scared out of his mind.

What Steve had not expected was just how difficult getting him to the appointment would really be. After removing Tony's hands from his wrists, he slipped off the side of the tub and sat on the floor with him, hoping that sitting on the same level would somehow help with his convincing. "This is going to be good for you, Tony. I promise you, nothing bad will come of this. We won't let them do anything to hurt you. I won't let them do anything to hurt you." He frowned, watching as Tony shook before him. He wanted nothing more than to make all of this stop. More than anything, he just wanted Tony to be happy, but he couldn't give in and let him stay home. Tony needed this. "Here, how about this. Why don't you tell me why you don't want to go?"

Tony looked over to meet Steve’s eyes, tears streaming down his face. He leaned into Steve’s shoulder, hugging him tight, and just letting himself break. His sobs wracked his body as he held onto Steve for his life. When the tears subsided, he kept his face in the crook of Steve’s neck and whispered, “I don’t want them to think I’m crazy.” He wiped his eyes, sniffing loudly. “And I’m scared...so fucking scared, they’re going to say-there’s nothing they can do. What if-what if I can’t be fixed?” he asked Steve shakily. “I can’t hear that Steve. I just-I can’t. I cannot do it. I can’t go Steve. Please, please don’t make me,” he whispered.

Steve hated seeing Tony this upset, but he was determined to push for the greater good. "Tony, when's the last time you remember being genuinely happy? No side thoughts, no second guessing, just purely, genuinely happy? If you can't think of a time like that in less than ten seconds, you'll understand why I want you do go through with this so badly. There is nothing wrong with seeking help, Tony. They won't say that they can't help you. Everyone can be helped." Steve tilted Tony's face up, looking at him seriously. "I just want you to be happy, Tony. I don't want you to have to be scared or nervous or upset anymore. And as much as I wish that we didn't need to do this, I feel like it's very important that we do. So please, give this a chance. Not for me, for you."

Tony looked right back at Steve, listening to everything he said intently. He knew Steve was right. He knew. But at the same time, he just wanted to crawl back into bed. He wanted to cut up his arm and roll in a ball and die at this point. “I-want to,” he whispered into Steve’s shirt. “I just don't’ know if I physically can do it. I-it feels like my whole body is caving in on itself. Like I’m exploding inside. I can’t do it Steve. I cannot go in there. Please. Please.” Tony decided he would try begging first, but his mind was in shambles. He couldn’t think straight. If Steve tried to make him go forcefully-and Tony wouldn’t put it past him-he would not go down without a fight. 

"I don't know what you're going through, Tony. I can imagine that this is extremely difficult for you. But I can't let you back out of this now. This is what's best for you, and if you know that as well, you'll forgive me for making you go. I'm sorry, Tony, but you're going. No buts."

Tony sighed, his plan wasn’t working. Well-that’s why he had another one. “Okay,” he whispered, slumping against Steve. “Let’s get this over with.” He got up from the floor, not waiting for Steve. He opened the door slowly, checking the hall and seeing nobody there. And then he bolted. He ran towards the front door which was all the way down the hall and through the kitchen. He was rounding the corner into the kitchen when he felt Steve’s strong arms wrap around him, picking him up off the floor. “LET GO OF ME-LET ME GO” Tony was kicking hard and landed a few good blows, but most were just against the air and the doorframe leading into the kitchen-which really hurt his foot. “LET ME DOWN. I DON’T WANT TO GO. STOP IT” Tony screamed, using all his strength to try and get out of Steve’s vice grip.

Steve's heart sank as he saw Tony speed off down the hall. He'd really been hoping that it wouldn't come down to this. Pressing himself up quickly, he followed after Tony and scooped him into his arms, making sure to not hurt him. "Pepper!" he shouted, feeling guiltier with every punch and kick that Tony threw. "We're going to need plan B!"

After a second, Pepper made her way into the kitchen with a syringe in hand. "I'm sorry, Tony," she mumbled quickly. Steve held Tony steady as Pepper injected Tony, then backed away as tears began to fill her eyes. "I'm so sorry, Tony," she repeated quietly.

Tony fought hard against Steve’s grip as he held his arm. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” he screamed, as he saw what was in Pepper’s hand. He winced at the pinch of the needle and tried to shy away, but couldn’t move from Steve’s tight grip. He tried to fight the medicine, but was only able to for about 3 seconds before everything turned black and he went slack against Steve’s hold.

Pepper's hand covered her mouth as she did her best to stop crying, but it was a useless effort. She felt horrible, but they had agreed that it was all in Tony's best interest to get to this appointment by whatever means necessary.

Steve carefully adjusted Tony so that he was carrying him bridal style. He knew that the two of them would have plenty of apologizing and making up to do later, but it was more important to make sure that Tony went through with this. He looked at Pepper sympathetically. "Come on, we'll be late." With that, he led them out of the house, got them into the car, and had them on their way.

Tony groaned and cracked an eye open, feeling a warm hand holding his own, and his head on someone’s lap. “What-happened?” he asked quietly, rubbing his eyes. He felt so groggy and weird, like his brain was filled with molasses. 

Feeling Tony shift, Steve squeezed his hand gently, casting his eyes down to his. "How're you feeling?" he asked calmly, giving Tony time to snap back into it.

“Ughh.” Tony rubbed his eyes. “Wh-where are we? Wait. What the-OH MY GOD. YOU. OH.” Tony sat up so fast his head spun, but he didn’t care. He felt tears prick at his eyes. “How could you do that?” Tony whispered, remembering exactly what had happened. 

"I told you, Tony, this is what's best for you. And you agreed with me, remember?" he returned softly, keeping his eyes on Tony's. "Right now, we're in the parking lot. Pepper's inside getting things ready. I'm sorry, Tony. We both are. But it's for the best. Please try to understand."

Tony’s eyes went from sad to terrified. He honestly wished Steve would just inject him with more meds or that he would drop dead on the spot. “I-can’t go in there,” he whispered, backing himself up against the seat as far as he could go. 

"Look at me," he said even more softly. Steve placed his hands on Tony's cheeks and looked him straight in the eyes, his expression caring and serious. "Do not view this as a test or a punishment of any kind. Look at this as something that is going to help you. Everything I said earlier about being happy? There's not a doubt in my mind that they can make that happen for you. And don't you try to tell me that you don't want to be happy. Everyone does. Please, Tony. I believe that you can do this. I really do. I believe in you enough for both of us."

Tony stared back, trying to be strong for him. He didn’t want to let him down. “Okay,” he whispered. “You’re going to have to hold my hand. So I don’t run,” Tony warned. He knew himself enough to know that he needed Steve there to ground him on the way in. “Let’s go.” 

Steve nodded and exited the car before walking to Tony’s side and pulling his door open. He took his hand and helped him from the car, then placed a light kiss on his hand. “You’re being very brave, right now. Thank you for letting us help you. I’m sorry that getting here was rough, but I promise that we never would have done anything that would harm you.” Closing Tony’s door, Steve looked at him for a moment before squeezing his hand gently and walking him into the building.

Tony gripped Steve’s hand tight and tried to suppress the churning in his stomach. They went to the floor Pepper had indicated and sat themselves on the couch outside a row of doors. Pepper came and sat on Tony’s other side, rubbing his back soothingly while he breathed deep breaths. Steve was murmuring sweet nothings into Tony’s ear, and he just tried to relax, shutting his eyes and waiting.

Steve busied himself with Tony's hands, stroking and massaging them as he tried to calm him. "After this," he mumbled, face close to Tony's cheek, "we can do anything you want. Absolutely anything. So if you're worrying, just start thinking about what we can do after, okay?" After a few minutes passed, one of the doors swung open. "Anthony Stark?"

Tony visibly tensed, but didn’t look up. He heard Pepper get up from one side of him, and Steve started tugging on his arm. Pepper had explained that the plan was for everyone to sit together for half the time, then for Tony to talk with him alone for the second half of the time. Tony just nodded his head, trying to stop himself from dry heaving. Steve pulled Tony up and he stopped fighting, looking up with frantic eyes at the tall doctor who couldn’t be more than 30 years old. “Hi,” he said quietly, but making no move to shake the man’s hand.

Steve noted that the doctor didn't seem phased by Tony's timid response. He assumed that he'd received worse in the past. Steve was relieved that the man appeared just as friendly in person as he had over the phone. He watched Tony carefully, hoping that this wouldn't end badly.

Pepper squeezed Tony's shoulder gently and smiled at him. "Right, then. Shall we?" She followed the doctor into one of the rooms with Steve and Tony following close behind.

Tony dragged his feet as he walked, the only thing stopping him from bolting being Steve’s strong grip on his hand. He took the loveseat, pulling Steve down on one side of him while Pepper took the lounge chair-the therapist sitting across from both of them in his own chair. 

“So-Tony,” the therapist started, “Is that what you’d like me to call you?” Tony nodded, not meeting the man’s eyes. “Hi. I’m Nathan. No need for formalities here.” He smiled at Tony as he cowered into the couch, trying to make himself small. “Do you want to tell me why you’re here?” he asked gently, not making any more to force Tony to talk if he didn’t want to. Tony stayed silent, glancing up to meet his eyes before burying his face in Steve’s shoulder. This was nothing new, at least Tony wasn’t stomping around the room breaking things. This was very tame. “It’s okay, you don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. This is your time, and I want you to know that you are safe here, no matter what you say. I am legally bound to not tell anyone what you say to me unless I feel that you or others are in danger. So for now, your friends can stay. I know this first time is a scary thing. But I’d like to spend the second half of the hour talking with just you, if that’s okay?” Tony nodded, but didn’t look up. “Okay. Sounds like a plan,” Nathan said cheerily, looking to Steve and Pepper. “So what’s been going on?”

Pepper cast a worried look at Tony when he buried his face, but was relieved when the doctor continued on without missing a beat. She and Steve had definitely picked the right guy. "From what Tony's told Steve and I, self harm has become a problem," she began, gazing to Tony once more before continuing. "Apparently it's been a problem for a while, really. I think he might also have an anxiety problem? We had one heck of a time getting him here, today." She frowned, turning to Tony once more. "I'm sorry, Tony, but he needs to know." 

Steve loosened his hand from Tony's and curled his arm around him for support. He didn't feel the need to add anything more, so he simply nodded as Pepper spoke.

Tony’s breath hitched when he heard Pepper explaining what was going on. He didn’t make a move to contribute. He just leaned into Steve, trying to stop himself from bursting into tears. He bit his lip until he could taste blood, and gripped his wrist with an iron fist [harharhar]. 

The doctor nodded, eyeing Tony’s body language before speaking. “Okay. Is there anything else you would like me to know before I speak with Tony exclusively?” Nathan asked Pepper and Steve. “I also need to know if you feel that Tony is safe. With himself, and with others.”

"We're worried," Steve said quietly, upset that he couldn't console Tony. "He willingly gave me the items he was using to...you know. He just seems so unhappy." He frowned, watching Tony and trying to choose his words carefully to avoid upsetting him further.

Pepper watched the two and sighed softly, willingly pushing herself under the bus, since she was already the one telling most of the information. "He said he thinks he'd be better off dead." She looked to the doctor, tears brimming her eyes, but her voice remained steady. "We just want him to be okay."

Tony hissed when he heard Pepper’s admission to the doctor, shooting her a death glare. He then looked up at the doctor, finally meeting his eyes. “I’m not crazy,” he whispered, voice wavering.

“No Tony, you aren’t, and nobody thinks you are. These are very normal emotions. I see people everyday who feel the same things. So you aren’t alone in this. I need to know these things so that I can help you in the best way I can. And I will help you, I promise.” Nathan looked up and Pepper and Steve. “Thank you, for coming in. I’m just going to speak to Tony for a while, if you don’t mind,” he said, gesturing to the door. “Feel free to some coffee in the hall if you like!”

"Thank you," Pepper said, rising from the chair. She looked at Tony for a moment before smiling softly. "Good luck, sweetie. We'll be in the hall." 

Steve looked to Tony and spoke quietly enough that only he could hear him. "See? He can help you. There's nothing to be afraid of, alright? Don't be mad at Pepper. He needed to know. We'll be waiting for you, okay? I hope you have a plan made for afterward. Looking forward to it." He smiled and squeezed Tony's hand encouragingly before getting up and following Pepper out into the hall and shutting the door behind them.

Tony smiled a bit at Steve’s comment, not daring to meet Pepper’s eyes. When the door was shut, he felt like his stomach had dropped through the floor and down the elevator. He looked up at Nathan, trying to be brave. It would be over soon, he just had to get through it. “S-so, what now?” he asked quietly, trying to keep his voice even. “I don’t really know how to do this,” he admitted, putting his head in his hands. 

“Well Tony, it’s simple really. Just tell me whatever you like. I will listen, help you, do whatever you need. I think we really need to start with the cutting though. When did it start?”

Tony shied away from the question, he was not good at talking about this stuff. “After Afghanistan,” he whispered, picking at his shirt hem. “And it just got worse and worse, and I couldn’t stop myself. It became everything.” Tony stopped, realizing how simple it really was to spill your guts out here. He didn’t want to do that though, not yet at least. “It’s really bad,” he whispered.

Nathan nodded, hearing much of the same he’d heard his entire career. “Okay. I just want you to know Tony that all of those symptoms are completely normal. Now Pepper also said you have a bit of an anxiety problem, which I’ve been observing throughout our session. How do you feel about working on some brain exercises and tricks you can use when you feel stuck?” Tony looked up, eyes completely vulnerable, and Nathan knew he had gotten through to him. Tony nodded a bit, feeling hope blossom in his stomach. “Yeah? Okay. Let’s get started then.”

Too soon though, the hour was over and Nathan got up, shaking Tony’s hand. “Thank you,” Tony whispered before turning to leave.

“You were very brave today, Tony. I look forward to seeing you again soon. Don’t forget to work on those tricks I showed you. They really will help.” Nathan smiled at Tony. “Goodbye. You can call me anytime if you need me.”

Tony nodded, feeling like an enormous boulder had been lifted from his chest. “Okay. I will. Thanks”. Tony turned around, and headed out the door to his anxiously awaiting friends. He scooted into the empty space next to Steve, giving him a huge hug from the side, sniffing back his tears. “It went great,” he whispered into Steve’s ear.

"Oh, Tony," he grinned, returning the hug. "I'm so glad.” He placed a quick kiss on his cheek and smiled, pulling back a bit. "So what do you think? Do you like him?"

Pepper was sniffing every few seconds, but she was smiling wide. 

“Yeah,” Tony whispered, “I really do.” Tony looked around a bit, then looked sheepishly up at Steve. “Sorry about, uh, earlier...”

"Don't worry about it," he said, smiling wider. "You were nervous. With plenty of reason to be. You didn't really know what to expect, coming in. Maybe, if you'd like to try this again, it'll be a little less chaotic?" He chuckled, arching a brow. "So, have you thought of anything?"

Tony smiled. “Maybe just-a dinner in? I haven’t really slept in a few days. Maybe pizza. And ice cream. And movies.”

"That sounds wonderful. Especially the ice cream. I'm a big fan of ice cream. Come on," he said, standing, "we should head home." He held out his hand and helped Tony up, then led them back to the car with Pepper following close behind.

Tony leaned against Steve as they walked, bumping hips with him. “Things really are going to be okay,” he said almost to himself, more than to Steve.

Steve looked to Tony and smiled again, then opened the doors for both him and Pepper, then entered the car himself. "I'm really glad that you like him," he said quietly.

“Me, too,” Tony admitted, settling himself in the car, feeling so much lighter.


	4. Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Re-post

Shortly after arriving home, Steve made sure that everything went perfectly with Tony's plan. He was sure to order his favorite pizza, checked to see that they had the right kind of ice cream -which they didn't, and Pepper graciously made a quick run to get some-, and grabbed all of the movies that Tony wanted to watch. After everything settled down, the three made their way to the living room, where Pepper sat in the corner chair, and Steve pulled Tony over to the couch with him. "So you see?" he started, smiling at Tony, "That wasn't so bad, was it?"

Pepper smiled wide at Tony, folding her hands into her lap. "We're both very proud of you. Thank you for going through with it."

Tony smiled a bit, not meeting anyone’s eyes. “I guess so.” He said quietly, not wanting to admit he was wrong. “I do feel a bit better” he laid against Steve’s shoulder, cuddling into his side after taking his fourth slice of pizza. 

Pepper watched the two mischievously before clearing her throat. "Well, as much as I'd like to stick around and celebrate with you guys, I have a few things that really need to be taken care of tonight." She rose, smiling at Tony with a little glint in her eyes that was just enough to let him know she was doing this on purpose. "Have fun, you two," she cooed, exiting the room.

Steve, oblivious as always, smiled and waved as she left, then turned his attention back to Tony. "I'm glad you're feeling better. You think you'll want to go back?"

“I-um. Maybe.” Tony looked down then out of embarrassment. “Yeah. I am. I made the appointment before I left” He said quietly, blushing up to his ears. He then buried his face in Steve’s neck, his cheeks hot. “You were right” He whispered, trying not to laugh. 

"I was right?" he repeated, tilting his head aside and grinning. Steve looped his arms around Tony, pulling him a bit closer. "Right about what?"

“Don’t make me say it” Tony mumbled against his collarbone. 

Steve let out a soft, breathy laugh and ran his fingers through Tony's hair. "But I genuinely don't know what I was right about."

“About the doctor. It-it’s nice” Tony admitted.

"I'm really glad to hear you say that," he replied. "I think this is a good step in the right direction. He seems like a really nice guy, too. I'm glad we chose him."

Tony nodded into Steve’s neck, not really wanting to talk about the appointment. Being this close to Steve was doing odd things to his body, and he remembered their conversation in the garage. Everything was going so well right now, he didn’t want to mess it up by bringing up more emotional crap. But he needed to know. “So, have you uh-thought anymore, about um...us?” Tony asked, blushing impossibly deeper and not meeting Steve’s eyes, but bumping his thigh against Steve’s.

"Eh...yeah, I have," he said quietly. Of course he'd thought about it. He'd been thinking about it non-stop since the start of all of this. The more he thought about it, the more he realized he'd been thinking about it before then, too. "Quite a bit. Why do you ask?" he inquired, lightly tracing his fingers up Tony's back.

“I just-wanted to know what you thought. About me.” Tony asked, slightly mortified.

Steve blushed, scratching the side of his head sheepishly. "Well, I uh..." He took a deep breath, then looked to Tony before quickly deciding that confessions didn't need to happen while maintaining eye contact. He looked away and smiled a bit. "I like you, Tony. A whole heck of a lot, actually."

Tony froze, then smiled, giggling a bit, then full on laughing. When he got his breath back, he looked over at Steve who suddenly looked way too sad for this moment. “Hey. I like you too. I-I really like you.” Tony leaned forward and kissed Steve’s cheek, then cuddled into his neck.

Steve grew nervous when he began to laugh, but as he heard Tony's confession, a huge smile crept across his face, growing wider still at the feeling of lips on his cheek. And right about here is where Bucky would laugh at you for looking like a dope, he thought, chuckling softly. "Well good golly, it must be my lucky day."

Tony giggled, trying to stifle the sound with his hand. “You are so adorable” he dissolved in another fit of giggles, and somehow his head ended up in Steve’s lap, looking up at him. “This did end up being an okay day, didn’t it?” He asked quietly, his eyes sparkling. He took Steve’s hand in his own and brought it up to his lips, kissing the knuckles softly while looking directly into Steve’s oceanic eyes. 

Steve smiled crookedly, looking down at him. "Well, things are pretty great on my end, I don't know about you." He let his free hand drift to Tony's hair, brushing his fingers through it idly. He decided shortly after that he enjoyed playing with Tony’s hair way more than he ought to. "But yeah, things are definitely okay."

Tony smiled hugely, loving the feel of Steve’s fingers in his hair. That was one of his favorite things, being petted. Pepper had figured out early on in their relationship that if you wanted Tony to do something and you petted him on the head, he was way more likely to do it. It was a weakness of his. “Good. I didn’t want this-” He held up their entwined hands “to mess everything up.”

If casual nights with Tony were always like this, Steve was more than willing to fall into habit. He squeezed Tony's hand and shook his head, smiling wider. "Quite the opposite, really."

“Thank God” Tony whispered, somewhat to himself. “I haven’t been able to sleep for days, what with everything going on” He yawned for effect. “I’m exhausted” he rolled and put his face against Steve’s stomach, or at least where his stomach would be-it felt like a rock. 

"We could always go to bed and watch movies tomorrow?" he suggested, hand still grazing through Tony's hair. "Even if we didn't, I don't think you'd make it through a whole movie, and if you did, I'd certainly be impressed."

“Is that a challenge?” Tony asked, trying to raise his eyebrows and ended up needing to blink 3 times in the process just the keep his eyes open. “Bed sounds nice” he said quieter. “But I don’t know if I can actually walk there” he said at the same volume, a smile in his voice as his eyes slid shut. 

Stever laughed softly at Tony's sleepy attempt to get smart with him. "A challenge for another day, maybe." He got Tony to sit up long enough for him to get off the couch, then scooped him up into his arms. "Pretty soon you're just going to have me carry you everywhere," he joked lightly, holding Tony close to him and carrying him to his room.

“Mmmm I don’t hear you objecting” Tony mumbled sleepily, clinging to Steve as they climbed the stairs. Steve being the super soldier he was, of course held Tony in his arms while swiftly pulling back the covers, and gently placing Tony on the bed. He helped Tony get off his pants so he was just in his boxers, folding them neatly for Tony in the corner. Tony kept his shirt on, clinging to the long sleeves. But when Steve tugged at it, Tony allowed him to pull it off his body. Tony lay back in the bed, pulling up the covers and rolling over to face what was now ‘Steve’s side’. The other man slipped into the bed next to Tony within the next minute, and Tony pulled himself as close he could get to him.

"It's nothing I'd object to," he countered, smiling, "I'm just calling it like I see it." After prepping Tony for bed and crawling in next to him, he was surprised by how quickly Tony moved in close to him. He wrapped his arms around him, keeping him close, and smiled once more. That was becoming a pretty frequent habit, too.

Tony could feel the pull of sleep behind his eyes, but he wanted to spend more time with Steve, he didn’t want to go to sleep just yet. “Hey” Tony whispered, planting a kiss on Steve’s bare chest. “Thank you, for taking care of me” He said quietly, lifting his head so he was mere inches from Steve’s lips. And suddenly, kissing him was the only thing on his mind. He glanced down at Steve’s lips, then met his eyes-closing the distance. 

Steve flushed lightly as Tony's lips hit his chest. He spoke quietly, keeping his gaze on Tony. "You don't have to thank...me," he replied, voice falling softer as Tony drew closer. The next thing he knew, Tony's lips were on his, and he was certain he'd never blushed that hard in his life, and was more than grateful that Tony's eyes were already closed. There was only a moment's hesitation before he was returning the kiss, hand slipping up to cradle Tony's head. And yeah, that was definitely another thing he wanted to add to his new habits list.

Tony pulled back too soon, he didn’t want the kiss to go too far though. He wanted to do this right. His smile was blinding as he looked into Steve’s eyes. “You amaze me” He said suddenly, surprising even himself. He wanted to kiss Steve again, feel his lover’s body writhing under his own, but his exhaustion finally caught up to him and he slumped back down to lay his head on Steve’s chest, humming contentedly. 

"Likewise," he replied quietly, grinning wide. He went back to stroking Tony's hair and dropped his other arm lazily over him. "Sleep," he murmured, slowing his movements.

Tony let his breathing slow, his body relaxing to the beat of Steve’s heart. He held onto him for warmth, snuggling into his side, before letting sleep take him.

Steve smiled softly, watching Tony as he slept. "I'm always gonna be here for you, I promise," he mumbled. After a few minutes passed, he, too, drifted off to sleep with Tony at his side.


	5. Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RE-POST

Tony seemed off. There was no other way to describe it, and Steve was concerned. A few days had passed since Tony’s appointment, and he'd been more than content for all of them. Steve had warned himself that not every day was going to be as happy as the last few had been, but it still caught him off guard when Tony distantly remarked that he was going to head to his workshop, at eight in the morning. 

As he grew to know Pepper, she and Steve had made a silent agreement to have breakfast together most mornings, since Tony had never been much of a breakfast person. He made his way down to the kitchen where he found her already seated at the table, sipping at a cup of tea. "Mornin'," he greeted, smiling as he passed her to pour some coffee.

"Morning, dear. We have things to talk about, today," she returned, a little less enthusiastically.

Steve turned to face her, pouring cream into his mug. "Oh? Is this about Tony?" He spoke quickly, mind instantly slipping to the worst thoughts.

"Yes, actually. Have a seat," she replied, nodding to the chair across from her over the rim of her mug. Steve did as she asked, folding his hands on the table. "Today's not a good day for Tony," she began, placing the mug before her. "Unfortunately, it's the anniversary of his parents' death. Now, I know you, and I know what you're going to want to do. I'm asking you not to. Tony just prefers to be alone when this day rolls around. He doesn't enjoy the company much, and likes sulking by himself. I wish he didn't, but that's how he is."

Steve gave her a worried look, twisting his fingers. "But if he's upset, we should help him. I knew something was wrong," he muttered, staring down into his coffee. "We can't just let him suffer all by himself, Pepper. Whether he's a 'big boy' or not, it hurts, no matter how much time has passed. He shouldn't have to be alone on a day like today. What if he handles it the wrong way? I know he's working on getting better, and you know I don't want to doubt him, but what if? I'm sorry, Pepper, but I can't do that. I can't leave him alone like that."

Pepper sighed softly, casting a wary look Steve's way. "Just be careful with him, Steve. You know how fragile he is. And he was a mama's boy. Don't let him convince you otherwise."

Steve nodded, rising from the table and pouring the rest of his coffee down the drain. He then started for Tony's workshop. Halfway there, he paused and turned back to get Tony some coffee before turning to leave again. He knocked softly before entering, looking around the room for Tony. "Tony? Brought you some coffee. Figured you might want some." When he didn't see him, Steve grew worried. He walked to the spot on the floor where Tony usually sat, and sure enough, there he was. He hadn't done anything, but the way he was blankly staring at the wall was nearly equally as concerning. "Tony?" Steve said, kneeling down beside him and setting the coffee on the desk. "Hey, talk to me. What's going on?" he asked softly, carefully placing his hand on Tony's knee.

Tony looked up suddenly, surprised at Steve's presence. "Oh, hey." he said quietly, looking back down at his hands. "What's up?" he asked a bit louder, standing up while leaning against the desk, staggering a bit. He gave Steve a forced smile, stumbling over to the couch. He wasn't drunk, just exhausted. He hadn't slept all night. "Nothing's going on, Cap. Just a bit tired is all. No worries. Just going to do a bit of work, yeah? I'm good. Why wouldn't I be good?" Tony babbled, looking back at Steve's skeptical face. "I'm fine, why wouldn't I be fine? Just another normal day, you know-things to do. I'll see you later then, Steve." Tony got up, feeling more steady on his feet as he walked up to Steve and tried pushing him to the door. The man wouldn't budge. 

"Tony," he repeated softly, laying his hand on the smaller man’s shoulder. He cast him a worried look and frowned down at him. "You're exhausted, you're stumbling about, and you're babbling. You’re expecting me to believe that there's nothing wrong? I talked to Pepper this morning," he said. "From what I was told, you're not okay." Steve took him back over to the couch and sat him down before joining him. "So...?"

Tony followed Steve to the couch, falling back heavily and sighing. He put his head in his hands and leaned on his knees, silent. Tony didn't want to talk, not just because he didn't like opening up, but because he was afraid he would start crying. Feeling Steve's gentle hand on his back though, he knew he could trust him. "So, I'm guessing Pepper told you what today is, then." Tony acknowledged quietly, still not looking up. 

"She did," he replied, rubbing soothing circles into Tony's back. "The part I'm missing, however, is a little more important. That information I need from you. She said you'd rather be alone, today. That's a reasonable request, and if you genuinely want me to, I'm willing to go by those rules. My question is why. Why would you rather be alone? Why would you rather suffer continually in silence, when you could just let it out? Losing people close to you is one of the hardest things in life to deal with. It's like having a piece of yourself ripped away, and you know that you're never going to get that back, no matter how healed you are. So why? Why on Earth would you choose to relive that feeling on your own?"

Tony sighed again, deeper this time. "I-" Tony swallowed hard, he was already feeling choked up. "I can't talk about it," he whispered very quietly. "I can't hold myself together if I talk." he admitted, wrapping his arms tightly around himself and rocking on the couch. He looked so small and vulnerable. "I'll lose it if I'm around people." Tony whispers as he falls to the side, longing for contact. He lays his head on Steve's shoulder, sniffing, trying to hold in the tears by blinking rapidly. When Steve wraps his arms around him, Tony breaks. A small sob escapes, then he buries his head into Steve's chest. The floodgates open, and he cries, really cries. Clinging to Steve, Tony gasps and sobs, the pain nearly crushing him. He continues on until the only things heard are small whimpers as Steve rubs slow, soothing circles on Tony's back, murmuring in his ear.

"It's never easy to talk about something that hurts that much, but from personal experience, I can tell you that getting it off your chest, at least once, can be really, really helpful." Steve kept Tony close, doing whatever he could to console him. "Talking helps. It doesn't fix the problem, and it doesn't make the pain go away entirely, but it helps."

Tony nodded against Steve's chest, pulling himself into the larger man's lap and burying his nose in Steve's neck, his scent calming him. "I miss my mom," he whispered. "So much." He clung to Steve's neck, his tears wetting Steve's shirt. 

Steve wrapped his arms around the other, slipping his hand up to Tony's hair and massaging his head soothingly. "What was she like? She must have been lovely." Steve was careful about the questions he was asking. He didn't want to push his limits, but he also knew that Tony was going to need prompting to get him to talk.

Tony nodded. "God, she was-amazing. I couldn't do her justice. I wish you would’ve been able to meet her." Tony sighed. "She loved me," he admitted quietly, almost as if in awe of such a fact. "Whenever I was around her, I knew that she loved me. I'd never felt that way before," He looked up to meet Steve's eyes and continued, "And I haven't since". 

"She sounds wonderful," Steve smiled a bit and looked at Tony. He was partially grateful that Howard had found someone so lovely, but his opinion of the man was reasonably strained, at this point. "And of course she loved you. You were her son. Nothing can replace a mother's love."

Tony nodded slightly, not necessarily agreeing. "Fuckkkkk" he hissed, rubbing his face as more tears came. "I want her back," he whispered, another small sob escaping. "I feel like such an ass because I can never get myself to go to the cemetery and see her. I can't think straight, and I can't drive, and it's such a mess, and God, I hate this day," Tony babbled, leaning into Steve again. "I can't do it." He whispered.

Hearing Tony's confession gave Steve an idea. "When was the last time you made it out to see her?" he asked gently, giving Tony a small squeeze. It hurt to see him this upset, and Steve was willing to do just about anything to stop him from crying any more.

Tony looked sheepishly up into Steve's eyes, they were red and watery from tears. "Not since they put her in the ground." he admitted quietly, looking away quickly.

"Would you like to go visit?" he asked, meeting Tony's gaze. "I can drive, if you want me to. I'd love to meet her."

Tony stared, mouth gaping at Steve's comment. Without thinking, he numbly shook his head yes, but made no move to get up.

Steve smiled warmly, then took to wiping the tears from Tony's face. "No more crying, okay? She'll be glad to see you." Steve slipped out from under Tony and lifted himself from the couch. He then extended his hand to the other. "Ready?"

Tony looked up, immensely nervous. "I-I guess so. As much as I'll ever be." He took Steve's outstretched hand, sniffing, and following him to the car.

Steve opened the door and allowed Tony into the car before climbing in himself. "You're going to have to give me directions, though, alright?" He lowered his hand from the wheel and gripped Tony's reassuringly. "It'll be okay. Is there anywhere you wanted to stop along the way?"

Tony nodded. He knew exactly how to get there. "We should stop at Yolanda's." Tony remembered his mother's favorite flower shop well. "For flowers," he clarified. He put on his seatbelt, telling Steve where to go. They pulled into the parking lot and Tony got out, pulling Steve along with him. He picked his mother's favorite - lily of the valleys. After re-entering the car, they pulled back onto the road silently.

As he drove, Steve's eyes drifted to Tony every few seconds. He knew the pain of loss as well as anyone, and he knew what it could do to people if they held it together for too long. Tony seemed decently composed as he gave the directions, and Steve relaxed a little, loosening his grip on the wheel. As they pulled into the cemetery, Steve parked along the side of the road and turned his gaze to Tony. "Would you rather go alone?"

Tony sighed, but took ahold of Steve's hand. "You can come. I-I don't want to go by myself." he admitted. He unbuckled and got out of the car slowly, waiting for Steve to join him by the path, looking down at his feet. When he felt Steve beside him, he grabbed his hand tight and continued looking down. "Thanks for doing this." Tony mumbled.

"It's no problem at all. I'm glad to join you," Steve replied, squeezing Tony's hand reassuringly. "This is a gorgeous cemetery." He took his time, looking around. After a few minutes of walking, he paused, turning his gaze to Tony. "Which one is it?" he asked, scanning over the area.

Tony took Steve's hand, guiding him to a secluded area a bit off the path. The two stones lay side by side with little decoration, just the simple letters of their names and the date-today's date, 20 years ago. Tony sighed heavily, trying to keep his composure, but failing. He looked to his mother's stone with longing in his eyes, which were wet, but not leaking. He grazed his hand along the granite, nearly forgetting Steve's presence until he cleared his throat.

Steve gave Tony his space, knowing that he would need a few minutes to sort things out. Try as he might, after three minutes had passed, Steve began to fidget, which ultimately led to the clearing of his throat. He hadn't meant to throw Tony off, but he realized immediately when he distracted the other. Placing his hand on Tony's shoulder, he looked back to the graves, then to Tony. "I think we should do some tidying up around here. That'd be a nice sentiment."

Tony nodded numbly, standing still-not sure what to do. When Steve started picking up leaves and brushing off the headstones though, Tony joined in. Once the area was relatively clean, Tony placed the flowers down in front of his mother's grave, before sitting down in front of it silently. He hung his head, letting his tears fall silently. "I miss you," he whispered, "...so much". Tony was oblivious to the way Steve was staring daggers at Howard's headstone, before brushing Tony's shoulder with his hand, giving a reassuring squeeze. Tony sniffed, wiping his eyes. "I should have come-before," he whispered. "I just have so much to say that I haven’t." he admitted. This was his silent plea for Steve to give him some alone time. He hoped Steve would get the hint.

Steve could be a little absent-minded, but he wasn't dense. "Y'know," he said quietly, glancing to Tony, "...growing up, I was always told that the best way to speak with someone who'd passed away was by talking at their grave. Kind of like a telephone to Heaven." He smiled softly and looked to Tony's mother's grave. "It's been a pleasure visiting, ma'am." He turned a wary eye to Howard's grave and nodded coldly, then let his hand slip from Tony's shoulder. "I'll be in the car, alright? Take as much time as you need."

Tony nodded gratefully. Once Steve had retreated, Tony started babbling about everything - about the cave, Obie, palladium poisoning, cutting, therapy, and eventually-Steve. "He's different, Mom. He really cares. It's weird-but in a good way. He's just so damn nice to me, even when I'm an ass, and he always knows what I need and how to help me, and-I really like him. God, I wish you could meet him. You'd love him. He's amazing. I can't even explain. And Mom-I...I think I'm in love with him," Tony admitted, smiling to himself. He planted a kiss on his mother's grave, then made his way back to the car, Steve waiting for him, smiling.

As Tony made his way back to the car, Steve's smile continually grew until he was directly in front of him. His arms were wrapped around Tony less than a second later, pulling him into a hug. "You did a good thing by coming out here, today. She must have been thrilled to see you," he mumbled. Stepping back, Steve pressed his hands into his pockets and looked Tony over with his smile still set into place. "Now, how about we get you back home and lighten the mood?"


	6. Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Re-Posting

A fair amount of time had passed since Tony's first therapy session, and soon enough, it was time for him to return. Steve had set his clothes out and made coffee and a quick breakfast before returning to wake Tony. He sat on the edge of the bed and grazed Tony's cheek with his thumb, calling his name softly. "Come on, Tony. Big things to do, today. You've gotta get up. Flipping over won't make me go away, so don't try it." he warned, smile evident in his voice. Waking Tony had become one of his favorite things, partially because he looked admittedly cute ruffled by sleep, but mostly because he was hilarious when it came to finding ways out of getting up when he was supposed to.

Tony groaned, hating and loving the way Steve knew him so well simultaneously. "Jus'a few minu's" Tony slurred, rolling away from Steve's waking touch. "Nottime yet". Steve was a persistent little bastard though, finally succeeding in dragging Tony from the confines of the bed and into the bathroom. Tony got himself ready in a daze, stumbling down the stairs to greet Steve's steaming cup of coffee waiting for him on the table. That man...they don't make them like Steve Rogers anymore. Tony smiled into the caffeine, gulping it down. Once he was sufficiently alert, he looked to Steve waiting patiently by the door, keys in hand. "Shit" Tony swore-he'd forgotten he had therapy today. Steve eyed him, but said nothing as they walked together to the car and headed to his appointment, Pepper opting to sit out this one in exchange for attempting to make a dent in the ever growing pile of paperwork on her desk.

"It's only an hour," Steve bargained, starting the car. "And besides, you said you liked him, right? It won't be so bad." He took Tony's silence as an agreement and got them to the appointment with more than enough time to check in - overly prompt, as usual. He entwined his fingers with Tony's, leading him to the building, and had him signed in and sitting less than a minute after.

Tony yawned and laid his head on Steve's shoulder, closing his eyes and just breathing. He knew that Nathan would be asking about his parents’ deaths today, since Pepper had called detailing the way Tony would sulk, and that she was concerned about Tony's drinking. Tony wasn't supposed to know this, but Steve had looked so guilty when Tony asked what Pepper was on the phone about that was SO IMPORTANT that Tony couldn't listen in, that Tony had forced it out of him. It was too soon when the door swung open and Tony was ushered inside, left with a small wave and a smile from his friend/boyfriend/whatever thing sitting on the couch in the hall.

Tony perched himself on the edge of the loveseat, immediately on high alert. Nathan looked at him expectantly and Tony realized the man was waiting for him to speak. "Hi." Tony said, a bit too loudly for the atmosphere, trying to seem cheery. "What's up?"

Nathan smiled warmly and clasped his hands, looking at Tony even though the other man wouldn't meet his eyes. "Well, the real question is, what's up with you, Tony? How has your week been?"

Tony shrugged, not wanting to say anything that would make him seem too eager, and wanting to avoid the topic of his parents. "The same old, I guess".

"No cutting?" Nathan asked, as if it were something brought up in normal conversation. Tony nodded, and Nathan smiled. "Well, that's great! You know, it's a hard habit to kick, and it's not uncommon to relapse. Going a week without it is a big deal. Congratulations, Tony." 

Tony smiled in spite of himself, feeling warmth welling in his stomach. "I didn't want to hurt my friends," he admitted, thinking of Steve's face then he'd found him covered in blood.

Nathan nodded, "That's a good incentive". Nathan looked down to his notes, then back up. "I heard from Pepper the other day". Tony froze. He didn't want to talk about this, he couldn't talk about this. Seeing Tony's reaction, Nathan stopped for a moment. "I take it you knew about this conversation?" Tony nodded. "I want you to know that you are safe here, Tony. I'm not going to make you talk about anything you don't want to. But if you let me, I can help you. I hear you have some alcohol issues, and with my help, I think I can help you get control of that."

Tony growled outright. Hating the way this big nosed doctor acted like he knew about Tony's life. HE DIDN'T KNOW SHIT. He didn't know what Tony went through every goddamn day. 

Nathan looked surprised, but continued. "I also heard about your parents. I'm very sorry, Tony. If you feel comfortable enough to talk about them or their death, I think it might help you.” Tony was seething now. Nathan looked to the clock, realizing they only had a few minutes left. "Before you go, Tony-know that I am only here to help you. Next time, come in with some goals you want me to help you accomplish, okay? We can do this together, Tony. You don't have to do this alone."

Tony smiled against his will. "Thank you," he whispered, embarrassed about his earlier outburst. 

"You're very welcome. If you need anything, you call me, okay?" Tony nodded. They set up an appointment for the next week, and Tony left to greet Steve, ready to go on the couch. Tony held out his hand, pulling Steve up and together, they headed back home  
\---

Tony yanked open the door, laughing at Steve's awful sense of humor. "You know, I should..." Tony's voice drifted away, meeting Rhodey's anger filled eyes. "Uhhhhh..." Tony scrambled for something to say, but not fast enough. Steve gave Tony a look and excused himself, not wanting to intrude. 

"WHAT THE FUCK, MAN. I've called you 27 times. 27 FUCKING PHONE CALLS. And that's just to your cell phone. What the hell is going on? I needed to talk to you. Did you even hear that Rachel and I broke up?" Tony shook his head slowly. "YEAH, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE, BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN TALKING TO ME. Seriously. You are a shit friend. I'm always there for you, and now I need you, and you FUCKING DISAPPEAR. I don’t even know why I'm here. You go ahead and hang out with STEVE ROGERS and can't even call me back? YOU SON OF A BITCH." 

Tony took in a shaky breath. He'd known Rhodey had called, but he just couldn't deal with his friend. He didn't want Rhodey to find out about him. "Rhodey, I'm..."

"NO, YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK YOU, TONY STARK. Fuck you and your money and your friends that clearly matter more than I do. Fuck you and your selfishness. I don't even know why I came. Don't call me. I don’t have time for motherfuckers like you. I try to understand, but you always let me down. So I'm done." Rhodey turns, ready to leave. 

"No-Rhodey, please. D-don't go. I'm s-sorry, just don't..." Tony was crying now, grabbing Rhodey's wrist. Rhodey jumps, ripping his hand away, which sent Tony reeling back to hit the wall, hard. 

"Don't you touch me. Don't. Do. It." Tony cowers against the wall, breathing too fast as tears fall. Tony grasps at Rhodey's shoulder as he turns though, not letting it go. Rhodey then whacks him, hard. He turns and punches Tony straight in the face. Tony howls. He hadn't expected things to escalate this quickly. When Rhodey turns to leave, Steve walks in, taking in the view. Tony glowering, Rhodey seething. Tony slips down the stairs when he sees the way Steve is looking at Rhodey, knowing that Steve will be busy for a bit. He stumbles into the lab, eyes catching the steak knife left on the counter after Bruce had brought over some grilled pork last night. He gripped the knife, heading to his usual place behind the desk, reveling in the sting of knife on flesh.

Initially, Steve had decided to step in due to the yelling he heard. When he saw the looks shooting between the two, and the bruise that was just beginning to form on Tony's face, Steve instantly slipped into Captain-Mode. He acknowledged Tony slinking out of the room, and he fully intended to follow up on that when he had the chance, but his main priority was sorting out the mess that stood before him. "What the hell is going on?" he asked firmly, eyes piercing into Rhodey's. It took quite a bit to get Steve this riled up. He stepped forward calmly enough, but his shoulders were locked into place as he evaluated Rhodey's response. 

"What're you yelling at me for? Tony's the one being an asshole. I'm outta here." Rhodey turned, ready to leave, but was pulled back by the captain's strong grip.

"That explains why all the screaming was coming from your end, doesn't it? Now, how about you take a second to tone down and have a sit, son? There's no reason to go picking a fight with someone who's not going to swing back. That's a weak man's creed. You ought to know that's the last thing he needs right now." Steve's brow was furrowed, but he wasn't above listening to what Rhodey had to say.

Rhodey sputtered at being called 'son' but did as Steve asked, fearing what would happen if he didn't. "What in the hell are you talking about Rogers?" Rhodey ground out, barely containing his anger. "HE didn't call me back. HE'S been ignoring me. And he's perfectly capable of fighting back, he's an adult, not a fucking two year old! Stop speaking for him, and don't you dare make excuses. I've known Tony much longer than you have, so just shut the fuck up, and stay out of it". Rhodey huffed at the end and crossed his arms in front of his chest, not expecting Steve to have anything to come back with. Boy, was he in for a surprise. 

"Well you sure are proving your dedication to that long-standing friendship, aren't you? A smack in the eye really pushes that message across very well, allow me to commend you on that one." Steve took a step closer, eyeing him angrily. "And for knowing him for so long, you'd think you'd be a little more understanding, given the position he's in. You should know he doesn't have control over things right now. Frankly, it's childish of you to assume that he doesn't care about you, simply because he hasn't returned your calls. You--" Steve cut himself short, his eyes instantly going soft. He calmed his tone, lowering his guard. "He hasn't told you, has he?" he asked softly.

Rhodey looked up wearily. This did not sound good. "Told me...what, exactly?"

Steve sighed softly, waving Rhodey over to the couch and taking a seat across from him. He didn't feel guilty about spilling information this time. Tony's state was on a need-to-know basis, and Steve highly regarded this as such, to avoid further conflict. He ran a hand through his hair, debating on how much information to offer. After five minutes of only Steve talking, he silenced, folding his hands into his lap, finishing, "You know he would have been paying attention if he wasn't distracted. Tony's better than you made him out to be, and I know very well that you're aware of that. At this point, I'm not defending him. I'm only passing information."

Rhodey was stunned into silence. "I-shit. Tony." Rhodey looked utterly broken by the information. "I should've known. I-I'm a crappy friend. Dammit. I should-I need to apologize" Rhodey got up to head downstairs when Steve stopped him. 

"Wait," Steve started, rising from his seat. He gave Rhodey an understanding look but shook his head. "I'm really glad that you want to talk things out with him, and I know that he will be, too. You mean a lot to him. But Tony isn't the easiest to get through to, when he's in a state. You'll be talking, but he won't be listening, and if he is, it won't end well. I can tell you're sincere about it, but it won't make much of a difference right now. Give it a few days. I promise you, I will keep you posted." he added, giving Rhodey his most sincere look.

Rhodey nodded, knowing that Steve probably knew best right now. "Alright um. Call me and let me know how he is, okay?" Rhodey left after Steve's curt nod, shutting the door quietly.

In the workshop, Tony sat in his corner, watching the blood drip. Seven new scars now adorned his left wrist, the knife abandoned at his hip. He was so lost in his daze of endorphins, he didn't hear Steve let himself in quietly.

After allowing himself in, Steve called out for Tony. He didn't know why he bothered. He knew where he would find him, at this point. When he reached Tony, however, he was not expecting what he saw. It was like that first night all over again-but this time, it was significantly worse. Steve's eyes quickly flicked to Tony's face, and then he was next to him in seconds flat, carefully clearing Tony's arm of the blood with some paper towels from the counter. He couldn't bring himself to say anything, yet. His main concern was making sure Tony was physically stable. The emotional stability check would follow.

Tony was stunned at Steve's presence and too far gone to fight him off. The smell of blood was dizzying, as he watched Steve wrap his wrist in quickly reddening wads paper towel. He felt dizzy and nauseated, and he realized he was going to faint. With no advanced warning to Steve, Tony's eyes rolled back in his head, and he went limp, slumping against his desk. 

"N'ah, jeeze, Tony," Steve breathed out quickly. He tapped gently at Tony's cheek, trying to get him to come around, but after a few seconds, he gave up. Rising, he scooped Tony up into his arms, unable to prevent the blood from staining into his own shirt as he cradled the other. Steve swiftly transported Tony to the back seat of the car and took off for the hospital, only realizing afterwards that calling an ambulance would have been a more practical idea. He happily ignored his blatant disregard for common speed laws on the way there, and upon stepping through the doors with Tony in-hand, he was quickly tended to.

Tony woke up to the sounds of beeping and hushed chatter, feeling like he'd been run over by an 18 wheeler. "Ughhh," he groaned, moving his hand a bit and wincing at the sharp pain there. Everything came rushing back, and he sucked in a breath, his heart rate jumping, which the monitor oh so helpfully informed him. He went to sit up, but his wrists were softly restrained-and he started panicking. He thrashed his wrists, sending shooting pain up his arm, before feeling soft, reassuring hands on his shoulders-shushing him. 

"Tony," Steve said quickly. He looked down at him, eyes soft. "Hey, it's okay. It's okay." His face was laced with concern, partially due to the darkening bruise that looked as though it would continue to get worse. His hands left Tony's shoulders, and he slid his chair closer, resting his hand lightly on Tony's arm. "How are you feeling? Are you alright? Do you need anything?"

Tony sighed and sagged into Steve's touch. He shook his head, too ashamed to even meet Steve's eyes. "I'm s-so sorry," Tony whispered, his eyes wet. "I didn't-I couldn't-" Tony cut off, sobs wracking his body. He couldn't put his arms around Steve so he just laid there, crying and crying. When he was somewhat coherent again, he whispered, "C-can you take these off please?" looking to the restraints. He tried to calm himself while Steve did his handiwork. Once his arms were free, he pulled them around Steve, ignoring all the tubes and clips attached to him. Steve made him lay back carefully, rearranging all the odds and ends that were attaching Tony to machines. Tony sighed, taking Steve's hand when the man opted to pull up a chair beside him. Tony looked at him expectantly, not sure what to say.

Steve held Tony's hand to his lips, letting his eyes fall shut. He opened his eyes slowly, after a moment, turning his gaze to Tony. "It's okay," he repeated quietly, though he wasn't sure who he was really saying it for this time. Sighing softly, he took his free hand and grabbed a tissue from the small table beside him and cleared Tony's eyes of the remaining tears. "We talked. Rhodey and me. He wants to talk to you, when you're up for it." 

Tony visibly paled. "He's uh-not so happy with me right now.." Tony mumbled, squeezing Steve's hand a bit. The movement pulled at his stitches, and he hissed, wishing for more pain meds, but also wanting to talk to Steve. "I failed," he whispered, "I'm so sorry." 

"No, you two are on solid ground. I thought that maybe you'd have told him about...well. He understands, now. And he really would like to talk to you. There's no rush. It can happen when you're comfortable." Steve's expression shifted to one of concern once more when Tony winced in pain, and quickly fell to one of sadness at his comment. "Tony, no. No, don't ever say that you've failed. Remember what I told you before? Not every day is going to be a peach pie. Things will be rough sometimes. This is just one of those times. You have not failed. And don't you apologize."

Tony sighed deeply. "Okay," he whispered, his eyes sliding shut. He was exhausted. He reached out for the medicine doser but couldn't reach. He distantly heard the click of said doser as he drifted out, his mind receding into darkness. He vaguely felt the ghost of Steve's lips on his forehead before he lost all consciousness and fell into a deep, drug induced sleep.


	7. Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know it by now.

For a while, Steve sat in silence, patiently passing the time as Tony slept. He called Pepper, as well as Rhodey, after getting his number from her, to let them know where they were. It took a few minutes of talking with each, but he convinced them both to stay home for the time being, and told them he would keep them updated as things changed. 

Setting his phone aside, he allowed his gaze to return to Tony. Even in his sleep, his forehead was creased with worry. His eyes fluttered every few seconds, and his lips were drawn tight. Though he told himself that he wouldn't disturb Tony, Steve found his hand drifting up to caress his cheek, hating to see him this way. Tony's features softened at the touch, and Steve lingered for a few seconds after. Sighing, he retracted his hand and leaned back, staring at the ceiling. Time passed slowly.

When Tony awoke, his body ached, like it had been still for too long. He stretched out his legs and arms, wincing when he felt the pull of the stitches. He opened his eyes to meet Steve's concerned blue ones, the pure emotion in them dizzying. "Hey," he croaked, feeling Steve take his hand and squeeze it soothingly. "Sorry I dropped off like that," he mumbled, "Guess they were giving me strong meds,” Tony continued as Steved nodded, "Can we go home soon?" Steve's look was pained, and Tony didn't think that was a good sign. "How long have I been here, anyway?" Steve pursed his lips, and Tony scowled. "You should go home and sleep," Tony said quietly, rubbing the pad of his thumb on the back of Steve's hand. "I'll be okay." Tony hated hospitals with a passion. Chances were, if Steve left, Tony would have a panic attack and wouldn't be able to sleep until he came back. The both of them knew this, but neither voiced it aloud. "I can't keep you here," Tony said truthfully, weighted with guilt. Steve ran his hand across Tony's forehead, pushing away his sweaty bangs. Tony sighed, he knew Steve wouldn't leave him by himself. As Tony was about to talk again, the doctor walked in.

"Good to see you awake, Tony. You've been out for almost 12 hours." Tony scowled impossibly deeper at Steve, who looked up guiltily. "You are one lucky guy. You narrowly missed a vein, and you lost a lot of blood. If your friend here hadn't brought you in when he did, you could have died." Tony looked down at his hands guiltily while the doctor sat on the edge of the bed. "Is that what you wanted, Tony?" the doctor asked quietly. 

Tony sputtered, his face turning red. "No! No, of course not. It-it was an accident." Steve stared at him, wide-eyed.

The doctor shook his head, not buying any of it. "Please don't lie, Tony. It won't help any of us. I know about your condition, as Captain Rogers has informed me. You are physically okayed to leave the hospital, but I need to make sure that you are mentally stable enough." Tony looked like he was going to cut in when the doctor continued. "If you are going to be with somebody at all times and are not feeling suicidal, you may go. But please don't lie."

Tony sighed. He hadn't wanted to kill himself. He’d just wanted a way out from his thoughts. "I wasn't trying to kill myself," he said steadily. "And I'm not lying. Steve or Pepper will always be around, so I think that I'm stable enough to go home." 

The doctor nodded, signing a sheet of paper. "Okay, Mr. Stark. You may go. Please take this prescription twice a day until its gone for your wrist, and be mindful of the stitches. They will dissolve by themselves, but do not pull at them. If anything changes, come back, okay?" Tony nodded, standing up and shaking the man's hand. Once he left, Tony slipped on the clothes that Steve had brought, and reluctantly got in the wheelchair the nurse insisted on him leaving in. Soon enough though, they were in the car, heading home. 

Steve's mind was racing the entire way home, but he maintained relative silence for most of the drive. There were plenty of things he could have said, and several things that he chose to keep to himself. "Rhodey and Pepper are both waiting at home. Pepper's probably going to pull the 'don't you ever, ever, ever do that again ever,' talk, and Rhodey's going to feel like a big jerk, and he'll probably apologize a million times, but don't be put off if he looks at you a little differently. After all, he did only find out about all of this a few hours ago. It's a lot to take in." Steve stopped the car when they arrived home and looked over to Tony, then took hold of his hand. "Tony, I..." He paused, looking down before continuing, "Were you? Trying to...y'know. I know you told the doctor no, but..." He looked up sadly, watching Tony's reaction. "I just," he sighed softly, "I need you around, okay? Don't...don't do that. If it ever gets that bad, please talk to someone. You made a really close call, today. I'm not upset with you, don't think that I am, but...gosh, Tony. Please."

Tony was stunned by Steve's admission and squeezed his hand in reassurance. "I promise I wasn't trying. I wasn't lying. And if things feel that bad, I will say something, because I can't lose you, either. You're my reason to stay," Tony said shyly, blushing a bit. "And I guess I have that talk coming...poor Rhodey. I-I'm ready to deal with them." Tony sighed, getting out of the car and taking Steve's hand as they walk to the door. It was dead silent when he walked into the kitchen, meeting the eyes of his friends. "Hey..." Tony said guiltily, wringing his hands. Pepper's sigh was audible before she launched into her speech.

"Anthony Edward Stark, what in the world did you think you were doing? Last I knew you were heading to therapy, then Steve calls and tells me you're in the hospital? And then I'm not supposed to come down?" Pepper pinched the bridge of her nose before quickly rising from her seat. She closed the distance between them swiftly, heels clicking violently against the floor. She looked as though she was about to slap Tony across the face, before she wrapped her arms around him tightly. "Don't you dare pull that on me, Tony. I do enough worrying over you to last a lifetime." She scowled at him, but it was evident that she'd done a bit of crying. She'd never admit to it, though. This was Pepper, and patronizing Tony was her way of showing that she cared. Her eyes drifted to the bruise on his cheek, and she sighed heavily, shaking her head. "You boys have things to discuss. We'll talk later," she said, giving Tony's shoulder a gentle squeeze. With that, she was on her way down the hall.

"I'll give you two some privacy," Steve excused himself, patting Tony on the back. He nodded politely at Rhodey and gave Tony a small smile before following after Pepper.

Tony sighed, rubbing the back of his neck with his good hand and looking anywhere but Rhodey. "Hi..." he said quietly.

"Jesus, Tony," Rhodey breathed, coming up and pulling his friend in for a tight embrace. Which was huge because this was RHODEY. "God I-I'm so sorry," Rhodey admitted, reaching up his hand to touch Tony's black eye, but pulling back quickly. "You should have told me," he said more sternly, holding Tony at arms length. "I mean, did you not trust me? I'm not mad I just-I want you to know you can come to me. You're my best friend and nothing will ever change that. I'm not going to leave you or think badly of you." Rhodey looked down to Tony’s bandaged arm. "Tony..." he whined, seeing the red marks extend past the bandage covering the newest additions. "I should've known..." he said almost to himself. 

Tony grabbed Rhodey's hands, forcing him to look up. "This isn't your fault. Nothing would have stopped me, okay? I-I'm getting help now for it. And I think, well I think it will help me. I know you're my friend and I trust you unconditionally. The only reason Steve found out was because he walked in on me. And then he told Pepper. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. But I feel a hell of a lot better now that you know. I didn't call because I didn't know what to say."

Rhodey was quiet when he pulled Tony close again, barely covering his sniffling. Pepper and Steve must have finished their chat in the kitchen, as they joined Rhodey and Tony in the living room again.

Steve sheepishly turned his gaze elsewhere, trying to give the two more privacy, but Pepper couldn't have cared less as she casually re-entered the room. She took a seat, crossing her legs and looking at the two expectantly. "Glad you two worked things out. I don't know what I would have done about press conferences without you around," she said, directing the last bit to Rhodey. Steve nodded thoughtfully at the comment and took a seat on the couch.

Tony sighed, plopping himself down next to Steve and curling himself against the larger man's body-eliciting a questioning look from Rhodey. "I'm sorry I scared you," he admitted quietly to his friends. "I just-lost it." Steve squeezed Tony’s hand, and Tony leaned into his side. "Not to be rude but..."Tony yawned loudly, conveying his message. Tony moved and stretched all the way out, his head in Steve’s lap and feet in Pepper's. Rhodey took the hint and said goodbye, promising to drop by the next day. Steve ran his hands through Tony's hair, calming the smaller man. Pepper rubbed his leg soothingly, and between all this, Tony was quickly lulled to sleep, the pain of his arm nearly forgotten as the medicine pulled him out of consciousness.

With Tony asleep in his lap, Steve felt calmer than he had all day. He let his hand idly smooth through Tony's hair long after he was asleep, simply watching him, and nearly forgot that Pepper was even there.

Pepper, on the other hand, was entirely fascinated by Steve's attentiveness. She cleared her throat, gaining his attention, and smiled, wondering just how well he would handle her question. "So, Steve," she began, tilting her head to the side, "You and Tony have been pretty...close, lately."

A faint blush crept up Steve's face at the comment, but he shrugged, turning his attention back to Tony. "I guess we have, yeah," he admitted.

"And you seem to get along fairly well, given the circumstances," she continued, still watching for his reactions.

Steve had a feeling that he knew where this conversation was leading, but he didn't bother jumping there if he didn't have to. His blush was annoyingly persistent, however, so he simply nodded, glancing back to Pepper.

Pepper smiled warmly, knowing from Steve's expression that he knew where she was taking this. She laughed softly and looked to Tony, then back to Steve. "So what's going on with you two, then? On your side."

And that was about the point that Steve's blush went into overdrive. He scratched at the back of his neck, smiling nervously and looking anywhere but at Pepper. "I uh...well, I mean, we... We don't really...have...titles?" he said questioningly, finally looking back to Pepper. "We uh...I mean, we've...talked. And we're not not together? Honestly, I'm a little confused by it, myself."

Pepper laughed, looking at Tony once again. "That's Tony for you. You probably won't get a solid title unless you go asking for one. He seems pretty dedicated to you though, that's for sure." Pepper looked up to Steve, face light, but serious. "This is my formal way of saying that I approve of you two being together. You have my consent; but really, you always have. I trust that you have him in your best interest. Take care of him, okay?"

Steve nodded, smiling slightly before returning his attention to Tony. "Thank you," he said quietly, brushing Tony’s cheek with the back of his hand.

Tony sighed in his sleep, rolling to the side so his face was pressed into Steve's stomach. He breathed in deeply, the scent calming him-even in sleep. He burrowed into Steve's warmth, sighing contentedly. His sleep was deep as he felt safe for the first time in as long as he could remember.


	8. Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOMSNOMSNOMS

A few days passed relatively calmly, and things were settling back to normal. Tony was back to leisurely tinkering, Steve was back to acclimating, and overall, things were back to the way they'd always been. At the moment, Steve was in the middle of a particularly interesting news article, when he heard his phone ring. After a bit of fumbling, he answered, face falling grim. Ending the call, he rose from the couch and made his way to Tony in the workshop. "We've got trouble," he stated, pointing a finger in the direction of the suits.

Tony looked up and groaned. “What now? God, some days I just really hate being a superhero...” He grumbled, heading over to his suits. “Send the details to Jarvis, and I’ll meet ya there.” Tony stepped into the workshop area designated simply to his suits, and got ready to head out on their mission. When he arrived there though, he wasn’t expecting to see what he did. “Robo-kittens? Really?” he said over the com, somewhat cheerful that he was able to get out of the house. Nobody else on the team knew about his ‘condition’, and he wanted to keep it that way. Tony was hitting the badly designed metal cats left and right, and was dealing with a particularly difficult one when he heard the crackling over the com. The last thing he heard was a “Watch out, Iron Man,” that was quickly drowned out by the searing pain shooting through every nerve in his body. The cat had moved at the last second, and Clint’s specially designed (by Tony himself, of course) arrows that electrocuted attackers went through the suit and wedged itself painfully into Tony’s ribcage. The arrows were fabricated to bite through the metal of robot-type attackers, but seemed to work just fine on Iron Man as well. Tony screamed when the arrow pierced his skin, but it turned into a sort of gurgling sound when the electric current shot through him, going straight through the arc reactor. The surge could not have been good for the technology, and Tony felt the bite of shrapnel beginning to move as the arc reactor shut down, before he completely blacked out. 

Steve rolled his eyes at Tony's comment, knowing better than to underestimate any attacker. He had to admit that the choice of cats was a bit strange, however. The fight seemed to be going in the team's favor, and Steve was hoping to make this a short battle and head back home. When he heard Tony's shout though, he knew that wouldn't be in the cards today. As soon as he was free to do so, he made his way to Tony, dropping down and flipping open the face-plate of the suit. 

Clint had a look of extreme guilt as he quickly made his way over to the pair. "Is he okay?! Christ, I just...I wasn't aiming for him, I swear, it moved, and oh my God, I killed Tony Stark." He paused, looking Tony over. "We've gotta get him out of here." He took a step back, calling in for help, then looked back to Tony, frowning. Several minutes passed before medics arrived, but when they did, they whisked Tony from the scene and took off without much of a word to the others. 

Tony groaned, his eyes fluttering at the too bright lights. The sound of beeping and bustling surrounded him, and the dull ache in his body was manageable. He cracked open an eye and met soft blue ones. “Hiii,” he said goofily, the pain meds making him feel like he were in the clouds.

Steve smiled a bit when Tony started coming around, but gave him a weird look after the greeting. He laughed softly, smoothing Tony's hair from his forehead. "Hey, there," he replied, smiling wider.

“I missed youuu,” Tony said, pulling Steve’s arm in for a sloppy kiss on the inside of his elbow. “Come lay with me,” he asked, yanking his arm.

"I haven't gone anywhere," he replied, laughing once more. He gave Tony an amused look after the kiss, shaking his head. "I don't know if that's such a good idea, Tony. You just woke up from surgery." He ignored his own warning, however, allowing Tony to pull him down to the bed. "Guess we'll just need to be careful."

Tony sighed, pulling Steve closer and cuddling into his warmth. “Thanks,” he whispered, falling asleep again almost immediately.

______________________________________________________________________________

Fury was becoming more than a little tired of signing medical papers for the team. He'd anticipated injuries to be common, but Tony in particular had a nasty habit of turning up the most documentation. He grabbed his file from the drawer and flipped it open, skimming down to the medical section. When he reached it, he realized that the file had been altered since the last time he'd come into contact with it. "Stitches?" he read, then skimmed to the date. The only information he could find was the location of the stitches - his arm. The team was supposed to inform SHIELD of any injuries, simply to avoid complications in the event of a disaster occurring. Sighing heavily, he closed the folder and made his way to Tony.

Upon arriving, the room was empty, aside from Tony, who was currently fast asleep. He needed the story on the stitches, but decided to allow him to rest, for now. He took matters into his own hands and crossed the room, then tilted Tony's arm to the side. He found the stitches he was looking for, but he found the rest of the angry red scars, as well. Scowling, he placed Tony's arm back and left the room before calling together a meeting with the team and heading back to base.

When he got to base, he wasted no time. He was in the meeting room less than thirty seconds after arriving, swinging the door open and slamming it shut behind him. The team was silent as they watched him enter, sending looks to one another to see if anyone knew the cause of his anger. Fury turned, then, spotting his target, marched his way over to Steve. "You think you're a leader? You think you've got things under wraps around here? Think again, Captain. You've known all along, haven't you? About Stark?" He eyed Steve angrily, watching as the other sank back at the mention of Tony. "I thought as much. As a member of this team, it is your responsibility to report any misbehavior of other members, is it not?" He waited for a response, and when Steve remained silent, his anger grew. "Is it not?" he repeated.   
"Yes, sir" Steve returned, eyes going hard. 

"So when you found out that Stark was cutting himself? That there were stitches in his arm due to a suicidal episode? You didn't think that was necessary information, did you?" The team had drawn back from Steve at this point, and had begun watching in awe. Now everyone knew Tony's secret. Steve's lips formed a firm line. 

"No, sir, I didn't. That's private information that has little to do with team affairs. Frankly, you shouldn't even know about it." 

"I shouldn't know? I shouldn't know?" he replied, looking as though he was two seconds from giving Steve a good punch to the face. "I'm going to talk to Stark," he finished, storming back out of the room as quickly as he'd entered.

Steve was nearly shaking with anger by the time Fury had left the room, and it took him a few seconds to cool off before he could face the others. He turned slowly, meeting each of their eyes. "Well, I guess you're in on the secret," he said, eerily quiet

_____________________________________________________________________________.

Tony groaned when he felt his shoulder being shaken. “What the...?” He sat up a bit and found himself face to face with the one and only very furious director Fury. “What’s up?” he asked, trying to hide his arm a bit - it was too exposed in this room.

"Wake up, Stark, we've got things to discuss. Rather, I'll be doing the talking, and then you'll get my final verdict." He pointed to Tony's arm. "Found out about your extracurricular activities. Needless to say, I'm not pleased. We were already wary of putting you on the team, Stark. You've always been on shallow ground, and this isn't helping your case. If you can't handle yourself, how do we know that you have anyone else's back? You're a hazard to the team. You're a hazard to yourself. You've made yourself a liability. We can't have any loose ends on this team. As of this moment, you're off the team. No exceptions." He folded his arms, staring down at him angrily.

“WHAT? HOW THE HELL DO YOU EVEN KNOW THIS STUFF?” Tony was so angry, he was shaking. He jumped up from his bed and nearly fell, but ended up staying vertical by some small miracle. “You can’t do that. You can’t take this away from me-you...NO. I WON’T LET YOU.” At that moment, Tony went primal, only wanting to get his way. He launched himself at Fury, and somehow managed to grab his handgun out of it’s holster, and he held it up, backing against the bed, pointing it at Fury. “You take that back right now or I’ll pull it, I swear I will.” When Fury’s eyes didn’t even change, Tony was LIVID. “FINE.” Tony pulled the gun up to his temple and took off the safety. “Take it back,” he said dangerously, finger on the trigger. This time, there was true fear in Fury’s eyes.

"Okay Tony, put the gun down. Just-put it down." He heard the door slip open behind him and panicked, turning his head quickly to see who was entering. The team, after hearing from Steve what was happening, had decided to intervene and made their way to the hospital. Steve was the first to enter, and when he saw Tony, he stopped dead in his tracks. 

"Tony, no" he voiced quickly, drawing Tony’s attention to him. "Hey," he continued in a steady but quick voice, "Hey, let's talk for a second, okay? You tell me what's going on. I'd like you to put the gun down, but I won't make you. Let's just talk." 

Tony made a small choking sound, somewhere between and cough and a sob. “I-I can’t Steve. I can’t.” he whispered. His hands were shaking and everyone looked absolutely terrified. “He said he’s taking me off the team. He’s taking it away. I NEED IT Steve. I need it. Don’t let him take it from me.” Tony was babbling, and most of what he was saying made no sense, but Steve nodded anyways. At this point, a nurse came running in with a sedation needle, but she squeaked when she saw Tony and the gun. “Sir you should...” Tony screamed at her “GET OUT,” and she left the syringe on the floor, quickly departing. Bruce picked up the medicine and held it lightly in his hand, the cap still on the needle. Tony was relatively distracted with Steve, and he began inching behind Tony, so hopefully he could get him with the needle without him pulling the trigger first. Steve gave Bruce a warning look but continued talking with Tony. At some point, Tony starting sobbing, and his hands were shaking so violently, it looked like he might drop the gun. Steve was still talking to him, but nothing Tony was saying made any sense. When Steve told Tony not to leave him, Bruce went in for the kill. He lunged at Tony and yanked the gun from his loose grip, flipping on the safety before sliding it far across the floor towards the door and away from Tony. Tony tried to fight Bruce’s grip, but Bruce pulled off the cap on the needle with his teeth, sinking it into Tony’s exposed neck and pushing the barrel, injecting the medicine. It was about three seconds before Tony went limp in Bruce’s arms, and he pulled him onto the bed, pulling the covers up over him. He sat himself in a chair, putting his head in his hands and willing the shaking to stop, trying to get the Hulk under control. 

Steve took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair, then shot a look at Fury before walking over to the bed. Natasha moved to Bruce's side, quietly calming and praising him. Thor and Clint stayed by the door, exchanging concerned looks before turning their attention back to the scene before them. Steve sat on the edge of the bed, talking quietly to Tony, despite him being knocked out. He knew he should be talking with Fury, trying anything to reason with him, but at the moment, he couldn't pull himself from Tony's side. This was the closest he'd come to losing him, and until they got the gun away from him, Steve had been genuinely scared. He let his hand move to Tony's cheek and held it there for a moment before sighing and standing. He turned, facing Fury, and gave him a solid stare. "I need a word with you. Alone." He watched him for a few seconds before turning and walking past Thor and Clint and out into the hall.

Fury gave a curt nod and followed, ready to rip Captain Sparkle Pants a new one. They got outside and he was ready to start yelling, but the Captain beat him to it. 

"Does the term private affair mean absolutely nothing to you? I certainly hope you got what you came for. What will you do without his help? Tony provides SHIELD with ninety percent of its technology. You'd be lost without his services, don't pretend that you wouldn't be. You need him on this team just as much as we do. He's a good fighter and a better defender, and by God, you should be ashamed of yourself for kicking him while he's down." Steve glared heavily, ignoring the fact that there were nurses staring and that he'd left the hospital room door wide open. "So how about we make a compromise? You leave him on the team without restrictions, and I'll keep an eye on him, exactly like I have been. In case you weren't paying attention in there, I feel like I've been doing a damn good job, and I'm not going to let you tear apart everything we've worked to put back together."

Fury sputtered a bit, hating being talked down to, but knew he couldn’t win. “He needs to be out of commission until he gets the go ahead from his therapist. I’m placing him on suicide watch until further notice. He will need to have an agent with him at all times, so I propose perhaps pushing moving day up a bit?” Fury knew that Tony had offered the Avengers to move in and thought it actually wasn’t a half bad idea. “It was wrong of you to keep this from me, Captain. These are things that I need to know. In the future, this will not happen again.”

"You're right, it won't," he replied with an accusing bite, but he nodded in agreement to the plan. Having some extra help wouldn't be such a bad thing, and it would be nice to have more people around. "Are you going to make the announcement, or should I?" 

Fury contemplated, but decided Steve was probably better off dealing with Tony in this state, although he hated to admit it. “Go ahead, Captain. Go talk to him and make sure he’s stable, because if anything happens to him it’s on YOUR ASS. I’ve warned you. Call a team meeting and deal with them, I don’t have time for this kind of shit. You are required to give me hourly updates on Stark’s condition until further notice. Get the whole team in the tower and running shifts so that he’s never alone, and I won’t require him to stay in a hospital until he gets the go ahead. If you can’t make that happen, he’s staying here. Now get out of my sight before I change my mind.” Steve stumbled away, presumably going forth to gather Tony’s support system. This was so not what they needed right now, but Fury trusted Steve to do the right thing, so he left him to it, wandering off to find some much needed caffeine. 

Steve shut the door behind him, leaning against it for a moment before pressing off and folding his arms, looking the rest of the team over. "So...guys." He sighed quietly, lowering his arms and loosening up a bit. "I'm sorry for keeping this from you. It's what Tony wanted. You all shouldn't have had to find out like this, but I do appreciate the help more than you know. I've got a pretty big favor to ask of you all. Fury's bending a little and letting Tony stick around, but I'm going to need all of you to make that happen. He wants everyone to shift moving time to...well, now. Tony's to be watched 24/7 until further notice. I know it's a lot to ask, and I'll understand if you don't want in, but those are the rules that have been set."

The group is still a bit shell-shocked. They'd been completely unaware of Tony’s issues. "I'm in," Bruce said immediately, and the rest of the group followed suit. "Whatever Tony needs," Bruce added. So they spent the next hour planning out how they would all have shifts with Tony, day and night, and discussed with Steve in more detail what was really going on. Steve informed the team of Tony’s recent occurrences, and shared the best ways he found to deal with him at this stage. It was agreed that everyone would get one shift a day, and if you couldn't make yours, you'd need to switch with someone. Steve would be 'on call' at all times, so if there was an emergency, he was to be contacted immediately. At the end of every day, they would come together and discuss anything they felt was important to share, so that Steve could send a report to Fury. Tony would be included in this meeting. More than one person can be with Tony, so if it isn't your shift it's okay, but someone was required to be with him at all times. At night, they decided whoever was on duty would sleep in his bed (because God knows they've been closer than that, with everything the team’s been through). Steve wrote all the rules down and printed out a copy for everyone (Tony would be proud that he used three fingers on each hand to type) and told them to get their things together and into the mansion. Tony wasn't expected out of the hospital for at least another day, so they had until then. Steve had practically moved in already. Once the team dispersed, Steve trudged off to the hospital wing where Tony was located.

Steve took a seat close to the bed, allowing himself to relax a little. He was uncomfortable with just how comfortable hospital settings were beginning to feel. He let his eyes fall on Tony, his lip pouted open in sleep. He let his hand curl around Tony's, then slipped his eyes shut. 

Steve lost track of the amount of time that passed, busying himself with counting dots on the ceiling and tiles on the floor. Just as he'd reached the 75th tile, his hand received a light squeeze. He looked quickly to Tony, whose eyes were just beginning to flutter open. "Hey," he said quietly, squeezing his hand back. "I've got to talk about some things with you. Is it alright if I go ahead? Or do you need more rest?" Tony shook his head, willing Steve to continue. "I talked with Fury. He...well, you're not off the team. Not quite. You're kind of on probation, though, so I'd watch my step. The only way I could make sure he'd keep you around was by making some compromises. The rest of the team has to move in. You're to have at least one of us monitoring you at all times, even at night." He grimaced at that, still not fond of having to give up his side of the bed, now that he was accustomed to sleeping there. Sighing softly, he continued. "We're going to have meetings at the end of each day, and you will be included. We have to have group discussions on how you've been doing so that I can report back to Fury. It's unfair, but it's all I could get. The others, though... they're more than willing to help. They really are looking out for you, Tony. Bruce spoke up in a heartbeat, as soon as I passed on the information from Fury. Everyone else followed quickly after. We're all in. Are you?"

Tony sighed. He felt groggy and grumpy and just generally awful. He knew this was his best shot though, and he was in no place to argue. "Okay," Tony said quietly. He hated being helped. Outright hated it. But these were his friends and they wanted to do it. Tony took Steve’s hand, mindful of his IV's. "I'm sorry," he whispered, pulling the hand up to his face. "I'm sorry, and I think...I think I can deal with this compromise. Thank you," Tony suddenly felt shy, hiding his face in Steve’s big hand.

Steve sighed softly, cradling Tony's hand in his own. "I've told you before, and I'll continue to say it - you don't have to apologize, and you definitely don't need to thank me. Just..." He frowned, meeting Tony's eyes. "Don't ever make me talk a gun out of your hand again." He dropped his gaze to Tony's hand, then gave it a light squeeze. Steve looked tired, and more than a little distraught. "That's something I absolutely never want to see again," he mumbled, running a hand back through his hair. He sighed once more and leaned back, returning his attention to Tony. 

Tony nodded in agreement, “Me either,” he admitted, feeling ashamed. “You guys are too nice to me...” he thought aloud, and loved the way his stomach flip-flopped at the thought that the entire team was moving in just so they could help him. It would be a pain in the ass, yes, yes it would, but it showed how much his friends really cared, and he hadn’t felt that good in as long as he could remember. The sound of Steve softly snoring alerted Tony to the fact that the super soldier had dozed off, leaning on his hand in a way that would leave a crook in his neck in the morning. Tony was fully awake though, so he spent the time thinking about his relationship with Steve. What did it mean? They hadn’t done any more than holding hands-but Tony wanted more. He wanted everything, everything that was Steve. He wanted to take him on dates and walk on the beach, and wine and dine him until they both dropped. For once, it wasn’t even about sex. It was about spending time with someone you really care about. It was odd, but it was nice. He liked it. Steve’s snoring was soothing though, and Tony found himself having trouble keeping his eyelids open, before he gave in and fell into a peaceful sleep.


	9. Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poop.

The following morning, Steve woke early, still feeling exhausted due to his uncomfortable sleeping position. He tilted his neck cautiously, working out the kinks, and yawned before turning his attention to Tony. For once, the other was actually awake before he was. He learned from Tony that a doctor had already been in to see him, and that the papers had already been signed for him to leave, so Steve gathered their things, and in a moment, they were heading home. 

Steve slipped the door open when they arrived, allowing Tony through first.The living room was occupied by the entire team and Pepper, and they fell into silence as the pair stepped through the door. Steve smiled encouragingly at them and squeezed Tony's shoulder gently, looking down at him. "You see? Everyone is here for you. We all care about you, and we're all going to make sure that this goes as smoothly as possible until things get better. And, of course, if you need anything, you can always call me," he added, smiling crookedly.

Tony turned to look at all his friends, then stared at the floor guiltily. “Thanks for doing this, guys,” Tony mumbled. “Sorry to put you through all this...” He looked up to meet Steve’s eyes, finally feeling calm as he took his hand. “So-what’s the plan?”

"Well, I pretty much explained everything major at the hospital, so...I guess that's up to you? We've got the beginnings of some schedules worked out, but aside from that, you're still able to do whatever you want. Someone just has to be there with you," Steve explained with a light shrug. "So, what is the plan?"

Tony sighed. “Shower. Definitely shower.” He looked around at everyone, who stared back casually. “Do I need an escort?” he tried to ask with humor. Most on the team rolled their eyes and got up to mosey around the tower. It was clear that Steve would be on shower duty. “Hope you like your rooms!” Tony yelled down the hall to the quickly disappearing feet. When they were out of sight, he scrubbed his face with his good hand before clasping Steve’s again and heading towards his room. “Thank you, again,” Tony whispered, leaning against Steve.

"You really need to stop saying that," Steve replied as he draped his arms around Tony. "Saying thank you implies that I'm doing you a favor or a service. I'm not. I just want you to be happy," he mumbled into his hair.

Tony smiled so wide it hurt. “You’re amazing, you know that?” Tony looked to the side at Steve in wonder. When they got to Tony’s room, Tony pulled them down on the bed so they were side by side, but holding hands. “So...I’ve been thinking,” he starts. He’s so nervous, his hands are sweating. “I’dmaybeliketotrybeingwithyou,” Tony let out, all in a rush. “I mean-if, if you want that. Of course, I understand, if that’s not what you want, and especially with me and everything that’s going on, and I don’t even know how you feel, but I just wanted to say that I really like you, and I trust you, and I’m willing to try more, if you are into that,” Tony said, way too fast. He was blushing furiously, but he felt good about letting it out. 

Steve stared at the ceiling, smiling like a dope. He allowed his eyes to slip shut before turning his head to look at Tony. When he realized that Tony was blushing, his smile grew until it pinched in his cheeks, and he let out a breathy laugh. "I'd like to try that, too," he replied quietly, still laughing a bit. "I'd like that very much." He squeezed Tony's hand, still grinning like an idiot. Especially after his talk with Pepper, Steve really hadn't been expecting anything like this out of Tony, but he couldn't lie and say that he wasn't absolutely thrilled.

Tony squeezed his hand back. “Good,” he whispered, rolling over into Steve’s embrace. He was still achy from the injuries he’d sustained, and the pain meds the doctor had him taking weren’t helping keep his head clear. He was content to just lay here with Steve, but he knew he needed to make himself presentable and talk to the team about what happened. It wasn’t fair to throw this at them and then pretend nothing was wrong. “I guess I should talk to the team...” Tony whispered into Steve’s collarbone, loving the delicious warmth on his face. Steve nodded against Tony’s head, and he sighed, dreading that conversation. “Shower first, though. I’m disgusting.” Tony made a face when he started to peel off his clothes. Steve had brought him some sweatpants and a T-shirt, but everything was sticking to his skin. 

"Disgusting is a pretty harsh description," Steve noted, busying himself with gathering Tony some clean clothes to avoid any awkward encounters as he prepared for his shower. "Dirty, perhaps, but not disgusting. And let's not kid around, I could use a decent shave, at the very least." He shrugged, placing Tony's clothes on the counter, and scrubbed at his chin thoughtfully as he stared at his reflection. "Rules are rules, as unfortunate as they are. I've got to stay in here the whole time, so..." he trailed off, glancing at Tony, but looking away nearly as quickly. It certainly wasn't that he didn't want to look. He simply didn't think it was right. He felt his cheeks heat up at the thought and turned quickly, distracting himself with getting the shower running.

Tony smiled at Steve’s blush. “Well, now you can officially see me naked.” Tony laughed at Steve’s expression. “It’s ok, Steve. I’ll just, uh...” Tony gestured to the shower and Steve nodded, turning around. Tony turned too and hopped in, being mindful of his injuries and his stitches that were still tender, but allowed to get wet. He groaned under the hot water, only then remembering Steve was there, and he giggled at the thought of the expression on Steve’s face. He cleaned himself up and turned off the water, the room full of steam. He grabbed the towel Steve had hung by the shower and wrapped himself up, stepping out to see Steve sitting on the toilet, fully clothed and reading a magazine. “Hey...I’m done,” he said awkwardly. 

Steve was nearly dying over the thought of Tony being right there, completely nude and joking about it, and he shifted at the sound of Tony's groan, biting his lip and looking for anything to use as a distraction. He spotted a magazine and went in for the kill, deciding that it would suffice. He'd worked so hard to bury himself in the article that he honestly had, and he jumped when Tony finally spoke up. He lifted his gaze, regretting it nearly immediately when he was met with the sight of Tony fresh out of the shower. He fought down the blush he knew was on its way and smiled a bit, rubbing at his neck out of habit. "Right, uh...Right." He nodded once and stood, moving to grab the clothes that he'd sat out, and turned back to pass them to Tony, still unsure of how to handle himself. Steve truly wasn't as much of a prude as people expected him to be, but that didn't make him any more or less experienced in handling intoxicatingly attractive, soaking-wet, nude bruncettes.

Tony full out laughed at the way Steve was acting, but took the clothes. He grabbed another towel and headed back into his bedroom, Steve in tow. He hastily dried himself and pulled on the gym shorts and white t-shirt Steve had grabbed. He shook his head like a dog and droplets flew, making Steve smile. Tony threw his wet towels back into the bathroom, and flopped down on the bed. “What should I say to them?” Tony asked quietly, his voice muffled by the bed.

Steve walked back over to the bed and sat on the edge, turning his head to look at Tony. "Well," he began, letting out a heavy breath, "I've already told them the very basics, but I'm sure hearing some details from you would be a little bit nicer. My version was also very speedy, so they might not fully grasp what's going on, aside from the events at the hospital. Anything else you say is completely up to you. I just feel like you should be the one explaining what's going on."

 

Tony nodded. He took Steve’s hand, dragging himself up from the bed. “Alright”. He pulled Steve down the stairs with him, and found everyone had congregated again in the living room, quietly chatting with each other. The room fell silent when they saw Tony approach. Tony suddenly felt extremely anxious. But these were his friends, they wanted to help him! He swallowed his fear and gripped Steve’s hand tighter. “Hi” he started with, and Natasha raised her eyebrow and him while everyone else gave him a questioning look. “Thanks for um, being here. I know this is kind of like, huge, and obviously surprising, and um, yeah. I uh...I don’t really know what to say here...” Tony rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, blushing a bit. “But I realize that I uh...I need help” Tony admitted quietly. At this, Bruce stood up, coming up to put his hands on Tony’s shoulders. 

“We are here for you, Tony, okay? We want to help you, and we would never make you feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. We just want you to be okay. We love you.” Bruce pulled Tony in for a hug, and Tony smiled. 

Following Bruce’s lead, the rest of the team came up and surrounded Tony, giving him their support. “Thank you,” Tony whispered, looking down. Realizing that Tony had said his piece, the team dispersed, leaving just Tony and Steve together.

Steve stood off to the side for the majority of the gathering, simply watching how things were going. He found himself smiling each time Tony did, and folded his arms across his chest as a way of keeping himself from moving to his side. When the others had gone their own ways, Steve simply watched Tony for a moment before finally crossing over to him. "Now, why am I under the impression that you're not okay?" he asked, tilting his chin up gently.

Tony tried to squirm away from Steve’s gaze, but failed, refusing to meet his eyes. Tony sniffed, and then pulled himself into Steve, the shaking taking over his body as his anxiety came free. "I-I didn't think it would turn out this way," Tony whimpered. "I feel so stupid." Tony buried his face in Steve’s chest and let the tears fall. "I'm so, so sorry this happened," Tony wailed. He felt on the verge of a panic attack. 

Steve nuzzled into Tony's hair, placing a light kiss behind his ear. "There's no reason for tears," he mumbled, wrapping his arms around him. "Realistically speaking, no one was really planning on any of this." He allowed his hand to slide across Tony's back comfortingly and remained quiet. After a moment, he pulled back to look at him. "And don't call yourself stupid. You are not stupid by any means. But hey, if you were, I'd love to be as stupid as you. Maybe I'd be a billionaire, too." He smiled half-heartedly, looking down. "Okay, that one was bad. I'm trying, here. Honestly though, Tony, even though things seem rough right now, you're in the best position you've been in a while. You have friends looking out for you, and you're getting the assistance you deserve. So please," he said, cupping Tony's cheek, "please don't cry. Don't be upset. Instead of focusing on what's happened, look at what's happening. Things are changing, Tony. And it's getting better every day. No regrets. Not anymore."

Tony snorted out a laugh at Steves attempted joke, despite his mood. He nodded, but couldn't stop the shaking. He pulled Steve down onto the couch, laying his head in Steve’s lap. "I guess things have been better...sort of." Tony sighed and nuzzled his nose into Steve’s knee, yawning. He was exhausted when he returned from the hospital, and now, after his anxiety attack, he felt like he was going to pass out any second. 

Steve's hand automatically fell to Tony's hair once they hit the couch. He grazed his fingers through it and zoned out until he heard Tony's yawn. Snapping back to attention, he looked to Tony. "If you're tired, you should sleep," he commented.

“Mmmnot tired,” Tony mumbled into Steve’s stomach, turning to inhale his scent. Truth be told, he was about three seconds away from passing out right there. “Tell me a story,” he whispered, grasping for Steve’s free hand and shutting his eyes. 

"A story," Steve repeated, giving Tony an amused look. "Hm." He stayed quiet, thinking, then laughed softly, beginning ridiculous stories from his childhood. He figured that the war stories had been told enough. After the third story, when he was certain Tony had fallen asleep, he fell silent, admiring the other. Shortly after, he leaned his head back against the couch, allowing his eyes to close.


	10. Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay this is the newest one, this is all caught up now :)

Steve woke early, taking his time to open his eyes. He took a deep breath, finally popping them open, and was greeted with the back of Tony's head. He smiled and let out a humored breath before pressing himself up to lean against the headboard. After stretching and stifling a yawn, he stared blankly, trying to wake himself up. Steve heard the door creak open, and he flicked his eyes to it quickly. Upon realizing it was Clint, he smiled warmly, straightening his hair out a bit. "Morning," he mumbled.

“Hey,” Clint opened with, sauntering over to the bed and sitting on Steve’s side. The bed was enormous, so there was plenty of room. “Sorry to wake you.” Clint hadn’t been expecting either of them to be awake yet, so he had hoped he could sit and wait, thinking about what he wanted to say to Steve. “So uhm,” Clint rubbed the back of his neck, looking down to his lap, then back up to meet Steve’s bright blue eyes. “What’s actually going on with Tony? I just...I feel like a shit friend, and like, I should have seen this, and just...God, please say something to shut me up.”

Steve replied with a surprised look, laying his hand on Clint's shoulder. "Hey, don't beat yourself up over any of this. He hadn't even told Pepper, and the only reason I found out was because I walked in on it all. He wanted to keep things quiet, so we tried to keep it that way as best we could. And asking what's going on is...kind of a vague question," he said, folding his hands in his lap. "There's a lot going on - some of which, I probably still don't know. The rest, you've found out much too quickly for you to be expected to make sense of. But please understand that you're not a bad friend, Clint. You couldn't help when you didn't know."

Clint looked down, still feeling heavily ashamed. “Just-when I saw him with that gun to his head, everything got real. He could have died, right then and there. I can’t...I would never forgive myself. Please, tell me how I can help him.”

"That's when it really set in for a lot of us, myself included," Steve replied, looking toward Clint. "Up until that moment, things had been rough, but I never expected it to get to that point. We're all just going to need to show support," he continued. "Don't act any differently than you normally would. Don't pity him, and don't act sympathetic. There's a balance between showing that you care and treating him like a child. If you cross that line, no one's going to be comfortable. I know this sounds complicated, but honestly, just be yourself. Don't think that you need to walk on eggshells around him. If he wants to talk about it, he will, but if he doesn't, that's okay, too, y'know? He's not upset with any of you, I hope you know that."

Clint nodded. “Okay, I can do that. Just, I mean, he knows that we all are here for him, right? I don’t want him to think he has to put up that stupid mask he always has up with us.”

"I think he does, now. Don't be offended if he comes across as a little resistant, though. A lot of things have been flipped upside down, lately, and from what I've seen, it takes him a bit to be comfortable with new situations. Give him time. He'll come around." Steve smiled slightly, shrugging.

Clint sighed, nodding. Tony turned then, stretching and pulling the covers closer around him, then cuddling into Steve’s side. “What’s going on with you two, anyway?” Clint asked, amused glint in his eye. 

Steve smiled down at Tony as he pressed closer, but hesitated at Clint's question. He looked back up, trying to remove the smile from his face, but he did a terrible job. "What do you mean?" he tried to ask, but he knew from the look he received that Clint wasn't buying any of it. He sighed and leaned his head back against the headboard. "Gosh, it's complicated," he breathed out quickly, shaking his head. "I..." he paused, twisting his face, then sighed once more. "I really...really like him. A whole heck of a lot. He just has so much going on right now that, I just...I really don't want to push anything on him right now. He has enough to handle." Steve's face was pressed into frustrated lines as he attempted to keep his composure.

Clint smirked. “I think that if you hide it from him, and he finds out later you didn’t tell him, he’s gonna beat your ass.” Clint laughed out loud, but clamped his hand over his mouth when Tony flinched and mumbled something unintelligible. “Do what you want, but I think he’s got it for you, too.” Clint glanced at the clock, then sucked in a breath, “Shit, I was supposed to meet Tasha, fuck, she’s gonna kill me...” He sent Steve an apologetic look. “Good luck, man. I’ll see ya later” 

Steve shook his head and held his hands up in defeat. "Not much I can do, at the moment. I think you're the one that's going to need the luck," he added with a grin as Clint slipped through the door. Once he'd left, Steve's attention went back to Tony. "Sleepy head," he murmured, smiling.

Tony grumbled, rolling over to put his face in Steve’s shoulder. “Mmph,” he grumbled, blinking against Steve’s collarbone. “Ssstoo early.”

"It's hardly too early. You just sleep too late," he replied, curling his arm around him. "As long as more than one person is awake, it's not too early."

Tony sighed, cracking open his eyes. “Hey,” he whispered, before tucking his head back under Steve’s chin. “How did we get up here, anyway...? Tony looked down to see he was simply in his boxers from last night and one of Steve’s t-shirts. He definitely hadn’t fallen asleep in that. “Did you...change me?” Tony asked, raising his eyebrows.

"I..." Steve bit at his lip, then shrugged lightly. "I mean, I thought you'd be uncomfortable sleeping in your clothes, and I didn't want to just leave you on the couch, so..." 

Tony outright laughed. “It’s okay, I’m not mad. Thanks, though. That was nice of you.” Tony sat up in bed, stretching a bit. As he was about to get off the bed, Bruce came strolling through the door, looking right at Tony. Steve gave Tony a fleeting glance and excused himself to get coffee, leaving the two of them in the room. “What’s up, Bruce?” Tony asked, trying to calm the nerves he was feeling.

"I just wanted to have the chance to talk. Alone," he added, making his way to the bed and sitting calmly. He looked to Tony, then quirked a small smile before continuing. "I want you to know that I really am here, if you ever want to talk about anything. I know that sometimes it's not easy talking to people about things like this, because they just don't...understand. They try to, but it's not the same." He paused, looking carefully at Tony's reaction before continuing. "I know what it's like, going through all of this. I understand how it feels to not really have anyone to say anything to. I know what you go through when you pick up that blade, and I know exactly what was going through your mind when you were holding that gun." Bruce folded his hands together, staring at them quietly for a moment with pursed lips. He took a deep breath and looked back up, face soft. "So, I understand," he said. "And I want you to know that...if you ever need to talk to someone who's going to connect on your side, as well, I'm here. And I'll be the first one to try to help explain the situation, if the others can't quite understand. It's not easy handling things like this alone, and I don't want you to end up like me. You don't get second chances like I do."

Tony was baffled at Bruce’s admission, but took it in stride. “I...thank you,” he answered quietly. He couldn’t look into Bruce’s eyes, but let out a sigh. “This is just a lot more complicated than I ever wanted it to be...” he told Bruce, eyes glazing over a bit. “I just feel so lost,” he whispered.

Bruce nodded briefly, not looking the least bit surprised by Tony's words. "It can be tough, finding your way back to the path after something like this. And you feel strange, suddenly having all of this help after having none at all. You don't know what to do, now that you have it. I'm not wrong, am I?" He glanced to Tony, giving him a knowing look. "The hardest part of getting through all of this is getting past yourself. And whether you're at the point of realizing it or not, you truly are your own worst enemy. Shortly after we met, you told me that the...the Other Guy... saved my life. I spent so much time hiding... so much time trying to get rid of myself, because I genuinely thought I'd be doing the world a favor." He paused, shaking his head. "I couldn't accept him, and because of that, I couldn't accept myself. It's because of you that I genuinely started giving myself a chance. I feel like it's my turn to return the favor. You've helped me. Let me help you."

Tony looked down into his lap again, not sure how to respond to such kindness. “I-I can try,” he admitted quietly. “But I’m just...I’m not used to people helping me. People caring about me. I’ve always been alone, and now I don’t have to be anymore, but I just can’t get myself to let you guys in. It’s just so difficult. I want to, but I just can’t. I suck at social situations, and I’ve always been a loner, and now I’m overwhelmed with all this attention and love I’m getting, and I just don’t know what to do with it all!” Tony felt a drip fall to his shirt, soaking in the cotton, and he realized he was crying. He wiped his eyes hastily, and suddenly pulled Bruce into a tight hug. “Thank you for understanding. For being here for me. Everyone is trying so hard, and I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but they don’t get it. So thank you.” Just as they pulled away, Steve reentered the room, somehow juggling three steaming coffees. 

"Major heat notice," Steve warned, passing a mug to each of them. He quietly took a sip from his own before letting his eyes drift curiously between the two. "You two have anything planned?" he asked, simply to escape the awkward silence.

Tony looked to Bruce. “I’d love to go down to the lab for a bit, if you don’t mind, Bruce...” Tony looked down sheepishly. He knew he needed to be with someone at all times. Bruce thought this a fabulous idea, and they stormed down into their cave to work. Nothing blew up, which was a plus, and Steve came down to check on them around 3 PM, being that they hadn’t been up all day. Tony looked up to meet Steve’s eyes as he walked in. “Hey, Cap, down here so soon?” Seeing the heaping plate of sandwiches, Tony’s stomach grumbled. “Jesus, what time is it?” Seeing the clock, Tony had the decency to look a bit embarrassed, grabbing Bruce and a sandwich, dragging them all over to the couch. 

"Well, it's not like you're not allowed to be down here that long. Though I've got to say, the complete silence upstairs was a little unsettling. I was going to leave you both alone, but the fact that I hadn't heard a single crash down here made me a little nervous. ...Not to say that you guys are usually chaotic. Just...rowdy?" Steve tried, knowing he was digging himself into a deeper hole. "In any case, neither of you came for food, and it's well past lunch. If anything, that was reason enough to stop in." He shrugged, placing the plate down onto the table. "Need anything else? Otherwise I'll just...skedaddle. Do people say that? Skedaddle?" His question was directed more toward the wall than at anyone in the room. He shook his head and looked to the pair.

"No, no stay." Tony reached out to grab Steve's wrist and gave Bruce a pleading look.

Taking the hint, Bruce made a quick excuse and exit, shooting Tony a knowing smirk. 

"So...what've you been doing today?" Tony asked quietly, beckoning Steve to sit on the couch with him. Steve looked somewhat nauseous. "Hey-what's...what's wrong?" Tony asked gently, touching Steve's hand, which was quickly shaken off. "Is everything okay? What's going on?" Tony asked more insistently, worry rearing its head. 

"It's nothing!" Steve quickly assured him, though he knew immediately that Tony wasn't buying it. He gave him a smile, turning back to the original question. "I uh...I cleaned, today. Everyone tried to stop me, because the cleaning people wouldn't have anything to do, but then I wouldn't have had anything to do, so I did it anyway... And I made lunch." He nodded once, internally kicking himself. "What did...you guys do?" he asked, doing his best to keep up the conversation.

Tony looked down at his hands, curious as to what Steve was hiding, but not pushing it. “You know...worked.” Tony smirked up at Steve, aware that if he got into the complexities of what he and Banner had been up to on the suit, Steve would be bored. “Honestly though, what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?” Tony questioned, clasping Steve’s hand in his own and leaning his head on his shoulder. He was feeling tired already, the mild tranquilizer meds the doctor had given him making his sleepy, just as the label warned. He yawned softly and snuggled closer into Steve’s side, reveling in his warmth. “You can tell me, you know. You’ve listened to enough of my shit, least I can do is return the favor.”

Steve gripped lightly at Tony's hand, but he edged away, enough so that he was able to remove Tony from his shoulder. Biting at his lip, Steve stared at the floor before sighing. "I..." He swallowed, looking up, but not necessarily at Tony. "Gosh, Tony, it's kinda complicated, I'm not gonna lie." He sighed softly once more, forcing himself to make eye contact. If he was really going to go through with all of this, he was determined to do it right. "Tony, I... I love you." He was quiet for a second, allowing the statement time to sink in before continuing. "I love you," he repeated. "I love absolutely everything about you, and there's nothing I can do to make it stop." He licked at his lips, looking away quickly with a shrug. "So uh...yeah. That's...yeah." He rubbed his neck nervously, looking back to Tony.

Tony sat stock still while digesting that information. “You...love me?” Tony asked quietly, the words sounding wrong coming out of his mouth. “You love me.” Tony looked up to try and meet Steve’s eyes, but he was still staring at the ground, so he opted for putting his head in his hands. “You-you can’t love me, Steve. You can’t. I’m no good for you. I don’t...deserve you. You deserve someone good. Someone who can take care of themselves and take care of you. You can’t love me Steve. You must be mistaken.” Tony was disappointed to be saying these things, but he couldn’t let the man he loves fall into the trap of Tony Stark. Even though it’s all he wanted, his body was screaming to say those three little words right back, he wouldn’t. Not when Steve could have so much better. SHOULD have so much better. 

"I know exactly what I deserve." Steve lifted Tony's head from his hands, finally making eye contact, before leaning in and kissing him. 

The kiss was soft and slow in the beginning, but quickly turned dirty as Steve gripped at his hips, and Tony slipped his hands into Steve’s hair. Tony moaned when Steve licked into his mouth, allowing him in and kissing him with all he had. It was Tony who pulled back first, not able to compete with the lung capacity of a super soldier. Both panting, somehow with Tony now firmly planted on Steve’s lap with his legs wrapped around his torso, Tony finally got a look into those gorgeous eyes. The eyes he loves. And he knew, he knew that this could work. They could MAKE this work. Tony leaned in a pecked Steve’s lips before holding his face between his hands, looking straight into his eyes, and whispering “I love you, too”.

Steve was beaming as soon as the words came out of Tony's mouth. He kept him close and brought a hand to Tony's cheek, brushing across it with his thumb. "You have no idea how happy I am to hear you say that," he chuckled.

“You have no idea how scary it was to say that,” Tony whispered before burying his face in Steve’s neck and just breathing in his scent. The meds were really starting to hit him, and he sagged into Steve’s hold on him. “Mmmm, Steve.” Tony kissed Steve’s ear lobe before shutting his eyes, drifting off on Steve’s shoulder. 

Steve continued smiling, entirely content with just sitting there and holding Tony, but soon, he, too, began to feel a bit drowsy. "Tony," he mumbled, then repeated himself when he received no response.

“Mmph,” Tony mumbled, breathing deeply and leaning more into Steve. "Comfy."

"You'd be more comfy if you were in bed," he murmured. Ignoring any protests he received, Steve adjusted Tony in his arms and pulled him closer before standing, cradling him against his chest. He placed a kiss to his head and smiled, then made his way to Tony's room.

Tony flailed his arms a bit but pulled himself to Steve's body and curled up in his arms. Upon reaching the bed, he didn't let go, allowing Steve to pull back the bedding and cram them both under, where Tony nuzzled against Steve’s neck and left a soft kiss there. "Love you," Tony mumbled somewhat unintelligibly against Steve's neck before falling back into his deep slumber, breathing evening out as his body went lax.

Steve smiled once more, draping an arm around Tony after pulling the blankets up over them. As Tony slept, Steve took the time to consider exactly when he'd stopped wishing for the past and began dreaming of the future. All he knew was that, as long as Tony was a part of it, he couldn't wait for more to come. He placed a final kiss to whatever skin he could reach, and within minutes, he joined Tony in his slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this piece can trigger me hard, so I honestly can't say how regular updates will be. My tumblr is stark-naked-billioniare (I mean it's tohohony-stark right now but the other one will be put back soon) My rp partner is the lovely captainsassmerica on tumblr, she's my lovely Steve! Please review and tell me what you think, I have to tell my FF folks that it's on here now too :)

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment and such, I want to know what people think :)


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